We ended up having another back and forth the next day. It wasn't really an argument but just more miscommunication and discussion that honestly left me feeling very little closure. It's left me hoping that things get better when we close the distance because right now I do not feel valued as he gets so caught up in every other thing he wants to do, and I struggle to express myself without sounding possessive, clingy, and demanding.

Sunday morning I asked if he wanted to hang out with me online since we both had the day off and he didn't have D&D that day. I wanted to play a game we both recently bought, and then later watch Game of Thrones together. He said "Yeah, later." In my mind I imagined maybe around 6pm. So around 5pm I went to check Steam to see if he was still playing Counterstrike (which he'd been doing all day) still and he wasn't so I decided to ask him how it went. He said good and told me he was now watching anime. I asked him when he was wanting to hang out because it was already starting to get into the later part of the day. He didn't respond. Around 9pm he finally responds saying he decided to go take a nap. At that point I was really annoyed because I absolutely loathe being that person who is the after everything is said and done plan (when someone doesn't give you a definite or approximate time so that they have all of the time in the world to do everything else that they want to do and end up waiting until late at night to hang out). I find it to be very inconsiderate; It's not like I have all of the time in the world. I prefer to do things in the earlier evening when I'm not tired.

It's not like he was doing anything crucial. He played Counterstrike with his friends the majority of the day, and watched anime before and after that. These are things he does every day. We don't play games together every day or watch shows together everyday. I was hoping he'd set time aside for me, or at any transitional point decide that it was a good time to hang out. So I told him I was honestly starting to feel annoyed because I had been waiting for him for hours. I moved all of my plans around and made sure I had everything done by the late afternoon/early evening because if we didn't do it earlier on in the day, then I figured we'd get around to them by the early evening. He told me I should have spoken up and told him what I wanted because otherwise he's just going to keep on doing what he wants to do and will assume I'm okay with it. Besides the fact that I did try, that doesn't sit well with me. That's showing absolutely no consideration for me and it makes spending time with me look like it's not something he wants to do and is only doing because I asked. It makes me feel like I have to do all of the work. I have to be the one to take the initiative. Why can't he? I then told him I'd appreciate it if he too would take some initiative as well and pay me some mind. At any point he could have thought "Oh hey it's 5:00 and I told Katie we'd hang out. I could watch anime right now or I could hang out with Katie. It might be better to watch the anime later and hang out with her while the evening is still young." His response was "That's not how I function." I didn't even know how to respond to that. It made no sense to me, it sounded like a lazy excuse. I told him that I could take initiative and tell him what I want more but if I'm going to do that then he needs to at least tell me what time he is imagining hanging out and not just tell me "Later" because that's not fair to me when I too have stuff to do. His response to that was "Ya see, with this situation that won't work." And his reasons were that because when he goes about his day he doesn't plan anything so he doesn't know what he'll be doing when. Again, this makes absolutely no sense to me. And I'm beginning to feel like I'm being stepped all over.

We ended up going about our plans. We watched Game of Thrones and then we didn't even play an hour of the game (Dungeon of the Endless) before he told me he was going to go play more Counterstrike with his friends. He called me back 5 minutes later and said "Nevermind, they decided they didn't want to play."

I know it may be selfish of me to be like "We didn't play an hour!" while a lot of people on this site get much less than that. But I find myself comparing myself to the other things in his life and how flexible and open his schedule is and how much time he dedicates to the other things. He averages about 4+ hours playing Counterstrike with his friends a day and he had done so that day and then not even an hour into playing a game with me he decided to leave to go play more Counterstrike with his friends, and only called me on Skype again because they decided to go. Meanwhile I feel needy and demanding simply for asking that one day out of the week he dedicate some time to me.

I just can't understand his mentality, and it's starting to worry me. It's not the biggest deal, especially if this does not reflect how he will be in person, but it makes me wonder if it reflects my place in his life. I continue to look out for signs that indicate whether or not he wants me up there still and I even brought up the Disney trip, giving him windows of opportunity, but he hasn't said otherwise so I guess he still wants me up there. But when I move up there, will we simply co-exist? Will we just sleep in the same bed? Will we just be sitting in the same room while he continues to do all of the other things he wants to do and make no effort to do anything else with me because I'm right there? I'm not one of those people who just co-exists with their SO. I want them to be my best friend, and he isn't making me feel that way as of late. And I'd hate to say it but I do feel like it started with that damn game and it's been getting progressively worse. The one day he was the most talkative to me, the one day for the past 3-4 weeks that I felt he was genuinely interested in talking to me, was a day he couldn't play Counterstrike because he had a huge download sucking up his bandwidth.

I have a lot of anxiety. And sometimes I can't tell if it's my anxiety amplifying my worries and turning them into issues, but at the same time I don't want to be stepped on and taken for granted. In the past it's always been me who has to change, me who has to adjusts, be flexible. I'm the one being irrational, unreasonable, clingy, needy, high maintenance, etc. All the while they won't accept their own faults. I don't want this to happen again.