My SO has been here since Wednesday, December 16th. So far it has been perfect. I just can't get enough of him. Waiting for him that day at the airport was torturous. But seeing him walk down that long airport hallway, and run the last few feet to get to me sooner.... It has been replaying in my head over and over all week.
The longer my SO is here, and the more time I spend with him in person... The more I realize how sad our long distance relationship really is. In person we just thrive. There has been so much laughter and smiles, and long hours on the couch wrapped up in each other's arms. Every second I spend with him in person, makes me love him more. Then I look back on the past six months of long distance, and realize that we aren't the same when we are apart.
Yes, we have fun and we enjoy the time that we do have. We text the majority of each day, and skype at every possible opportunity. But it's just not the same. That same feeling isn't there. That same spark.
When I look at him in person, my stomach twists into knots, and I just want to hug him and never let go. I fall for him more and more every second that I am with him. Even when he is being impossible. And then when I look at him through a screen.... I just see the guy I love and feel a sadness deep inside, that never really goes away. I don't fall more and more in love with him when we are apart. I don't begin to love him less. Hell no. So far nothing has ever made me love that amazing guy any less. But I never really get the chance to love him more when he is 800 miles away.
I am trying to remind myself that this is the last time that we have to do this. He will be leaving January 6th, and I will get to see him again in July. Which is when we will be ending this for good. He won't have to leave again the next time I see him. The distance will be closed and I won't have to worry about this again. But thinking about what the coming six months without him is going to be like..... It really has me down in the dumps. Which I DONT want right now. I don't want to spend all of the time that he is here, dreading the day he leaves. So I am trying really hard just to be positive.
The reason I share this is because today I just had to let out my emotions to my SO. I needed to know that I wasn't alone in this. I told him how much I loved him and that I didn't want to do this any more. That I didn't want him to go home and have to fall back into our old routines. I told him that I was dreading the day he left. I of course started sobbing into his chest, which then made him start crying. It was over all just a very sad moment.... But I feel better knowing that we both feel this way. That I'm not just the crazy girlfriend, that can't be without him. The feeling is mutual. Which helps.
I saw a thread that was posted on her recently, about how they are surviving, not thriving. And it made me realize that that is the best way to describe my relationship with my SO. When we are together, we thrive. We fall more in love with each other, and we learn so much about the other person, that we can't learn through a screen. And when we are apart.... We just merely survive. Survive while we count the days, or even the seconds until we are together again.
I just don't want my entire relationship to be about counting down until the next visit. Longing for the next time we are together. I just want happiness with him. I still have another two weeks, but I am no where near being ready to say goodbye. Our time together is just going by too fast.
I know in the end this will be worth it. The end is practically in our grasps at this point. But I'm scared of going back.
Going back to that screen. I have hardly used my phone since he has been here, and my laptop hasn't even been turned on once. I don't want to go back to practically living on those devices. I just don't.
I know everyone here can say they have felt this way. I am also sure that this same thing has been said and ranted about by many others. But I really just needed to be able to get this off of my chest. Sometimes it makes you feel better to just type it all out.
I love him. The last six days have really made me see exactly how much. They have made me realize how worth it this distance is. Despite how hard it is, it is going to be worth it. It already is worth it. All of the long nights alone, or the days where all you do is long to be together.... It's worth it. It's really hard, and Im struggling. But I'm trying to remind myself that it's almost over, and it's all going to be worth it in the end.
This forum helps. It helps to know that so many others are in the same boat. So over the next six months I will continue to come on here for support, and to give support.
Thanks for listening, and thank you for all of the kind words and help that I have received from all of the members of this forum since I joined almost a year ago.
-Ashley