This entry isn't LDR related....it's about self-esteem. I'm having a bad day right now, and my self-esteem is really low at the moment. I'm not thinking very highly of myself. I really don't think I am pretty at all, I am self-conscious of the way I look, and I wish I could feel positively about the way I look.
Today, this whole insecure, self-conscious feeling started when I was doing my hair and makeup as a test for my dad's wedding coming up in 9 days. I put on the makeup, and brushed out my hair, which I thought looked fine for the most part. But, then I tried on the dress, shoes, and jewelry I'll be wearing. I looked in the mirror and was appalled at how I looked. I didn't know what it was that I didn't like, but something left a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe it was the fact that the dress isn't that long...it comes down to mid-thigh length or so on me. I am 5'6" and have long legs. I thought my legs looked freakishly long and awkward. Maybe it was the shoes I didn't like? Or maybe it was the necklace? It seems kind of over-the-top and gaudy for the dress I am wearing, so maybe that's it. *sigh*
I've been underweight my entire life. Many times, people have had he nerve to ask me if I eat, or if I am anorexic. I HATE being asked those types of questions, because it's nobody's business but my own. So, to put that awful question to rest, I DO EAT....A LOT. I love food, and I eat so much. I just have a fast metabolism, and people just assume I have an eating disorder, when that is 100% FALSE. It makes me feel self-conscious. I try to gain weight...I have many times, and I'm trying to do it the healthy way, but I just don't gain. The other day, that somehow came up in a conversation with Anthony, and I started talking about how I'm too skinny and need to gain weight but can't. He told me I looked fine the way I was.
I don't like my nose either. I think it's awkwardly big, even though people tell me it's normal. My brother in particular likes to tease me and tell me my nose is big. He makes jokes about it all the time, and I try not to believe them, but I can't stop feeling like that. I mean, I'd never do anything drastic to alter it, I just believe it is big now because of what my brother says, even if I know he's kidding.
In general, I can't really remember the last time I was told I was beautiful. My parents tell me, but I don't believe them. I tell myself they're my parents, and they have to say that. One day, at dinner, my mom was telling my brother he should possibly consider becoming a male model, and it hurt me a lot to hear her say that. It made me feel like I couldn't do that if I wanted to (not that I do), and I thought she was trying to say I wasn't pretty. Anthony sent me a text in January saying I was beautiful. That was the only time I can remember anyone ever telling me that. Since then, he hasn't texted me that again, nor has he said it in person. He sometimes will say over FB on a comment something about me looking great, or in a text he will, but I have never been told I am beautiful by him in person. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him, and I question what he sees in me.
Sorry for my rant, I just had a lot on my mind I needed to get out. I feel a little better now that I vented all of this.
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loveknowsnodistance27 started a blog post Not Feeling So BeautifulNot Feeling So Beautiful
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Self esteem is a very fragile thing and it's very, very easy to gain low self esteem versus high self esteem because there are people out there who don't think before they say things or what they mean is misconstrued, or they actually aim to hurt you because they need someone to feel worse than them so they can feel better. It comes to a point where even teasing and lack of certain words/phrases hurt more than they honestly should. Nobody in my life ever told me I was beautiful, in fact I grew up being told how hideous and undesirable I was and that no man would ever love me. My SO from day one of the relationship tried fixing that by reassuring me of my attractiveness, my value, and so on but it really only got through during our visit when at one point he just stared at me for a bit then said, "you're beautiful." Like your SO he's told I was attractive and so on but being in person, having him aware of all my flaws physically, really I don't care if he never says it again it meant that much to me.
I asked my SO once why he loved me and his answer was something along the lines of, "I don't see what everyone's obsession is with justifying love, needing a reason for it. I love you, period, the end." In the end, they see what we can't or, sometimes, won't of ourselves. To us, we're the farthest from perfect and lovable anyone could be. To them, we're ideal. And hey they're the ones that have to look at us all the time anyway so apparently they have a point.
My boyfriend...he says I'm not fat at all but doesn't like it when I snack, eat unhealthy foods or eat too much. He says I don't need to lose weight but I need to eat more healthily. He says they're different things, but what I'm hearing is exactly the same, and I don't really like it, but he has his reasons for reminding me to eat healthy (that I don't remember now because I tend to block out things I don't like to hear).
Right now, what makes things worse is that I shaved my head for a cancer charity event and raised over $4000 for it last July. Going from having waist length hair to completely bald was great, but then my hair started to grow back. Then I remembered that I had been permanently straightening my hair since I was 12, and you can't really straighten short hair. /: I absolutely hate my hair right now and keep going between either shaving it all off again or patiently waiting. ):
I've also never been told that I'm beautiful in my life, except by my boyfriend, so I don't really believe him. He hates how much I hate my looks, or maybe he hates that I hate my looks but do nothing to change them.