I know I am not perfect. Nobody is. That being said, I feel like I'm more imperfect than most people. I feel bad because I got into an argument with my SO today. It was during a Facebook chat so I think I had misinterpreted what he said.

Me:when are you coming back?
Anthony:I don't know. I have more important things on my plate right now then that
Me:thanks...that makes me feel good
Anthony:What?
Anthony:anyway, I have to get going
Me:knowing i'm unimportant
Anthony:I'll talk to you later
Me:why?
Me:and i know you won't end up talking to me. you'll find some reason to not
Anthony:because I need to work on things.
Anthony:Jen, just stop saying those things. You know how to get someone to not want to speak to you, you say shit like that
Me:stop it. but you know it's true
Anthony:No
Anthony:It's completely false
Me:that's how it always is
Me:you tell me that all the time and then i never end up hearing from you
Chat conversation end

He signed off after that and hasn't been on since. I'm sure he's doing homework, and I still feel horrible about it. I emailed him about 45 minutes after it. I didn't hear back from him yet, but again, he may not have been on the Internet. My email:

"Anthony,

I am so sorry for my extremely inconsiderate, rude and hurtful comments I made to you. I misunderstood what was said and I should have just asked for clarification instead of making assumptions. I understand that you are working on a lot of projects and assignments. I am in the same boat. It's not easy, I know. I sometimes forget that not everyone has the same strengths and weaknesses. I've also been a little negligent lately in regards to my Wellbutrin. I accidentally will miss a day here and there and I have forgotten to take it around the same time every day for the past few weeks, so it's definitely affecting me negatively. I am getting back into a routine starting tomorrow so I will not allow myself to skip days. It's not an excuse, I know. I also realize that I have a defense mechanism of pushing people I care about away in fear of getting hurt. In turn, I wind up hurting others. It's not fair to you, but I am working on stopping that. I care so much about you and I hate to see you hurting or upset. My love, I hope you can please find it in your heart to forgive me. I know that I'm not always the easiest to deal with, but I love you with all my heart. It's tough because of the distance. I want to hold you but I can't. I try to be patient and I am definitely getting better with it. Also, the other day when I was on the phone with you, I realized I was rather quiet. I was at a loss for words because I was so overwhelmingly happy hearing your voice and I missed you so I knew if I spoke, I was going to cry. I love talking to you. I know that I need to stop pushing away because I am so scared I'll wind up pushing you away for good. I don't want to lose you. <3 I am truly sorry and I hate to be the reason you are upset. I love you to the moon and back always. Please don't forget that. Nothing will ever change that."


I blame it on PMS. I am a totally different person when I am PMSing and I tend to get aggravated with him very easily. I just want to know when he's coming home and if we'll be closing the distance for the summer. I felt like he could've been a little nicer about the way he was talking to me. Our conversation was going well before that though. *sigh* I'm so scared that I'll end up pushing him away one day. I tend to push away sometimes because I'm afraid of getting hurt, but I wind up hurting him in the process. I don't want him to get sick of it and one day leave and not come back. =[ I love him with all my heart and I know he's the one.