The past couple days have been hard for me. And I've done it to myself. I feel like I'm making mountains out of mole hills. It all started on Wednesday... *sound Wayne's World makes during flashbacks*

I went into the school I'm teaching at this year to get the books I'll be using. I had been told I would teach science to "8th grade and down" promising to keep me with the older kids. I was handed my schedule and almost had a heart attack. I'm teaching 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th grade sciences. AND 7th and 8th grade physics and biology. That's 8 different preps. I was so overwhelmed I shut down. (add on top of all this that we're moving today/tomorrow/Sunday/Monday, and I am the one that has to pack shit up and clean. I fucking hate moving)

The part that is the worst for me is having to teach the younger kids (3rd and 4th). I don't even like kids. That's why I went into secondary education, because I like the stinky pre-teens and teenagers who think they're adults. I don't like being cute with kids. I don't want to clean up pee or barf. I want to make jokes. I like making fun of them. And you can't do that with 8 year olds...

I spent Wednesday and Thursday looking up information on the internet, joining teacher forums and asking for advice, writing my old mentors back in the states, just trying to find anything to even get me started. Since I've only taught for one year, I don't have many resources, and certainly none that will help me with elementary kids.

So all this stuff that's been making me freak out, and my SO hasn't been around at all to support me. I shouldn't need him to be around, and I usually don't. But this one time that I want someone to pat me on the back and tell me things will be okay and go with me to the store to buy colored folders, he's not here. It's not his fault. He's back in school again, finally trying to finish his goddam degree. But since he's still working full time, that means his classes are right after work (5pm) until 10 pm or in the morning. And he's having to stay later on days he doesn't have class and work every Saturday to make up the time he's missing to go to the one class in the morning. I've gotten so used to seeing him every day, that him missing (especially now) is really hard on me.

Of course instead of talking to him about it, I try to bottle it up inside. First of all, because I haven't HAD any time to talk to him. Secondly, because I know he's having a hard time working and going to school and I don't want to be a "one upper" and make it look like I'm worse off sitting around the house all day and worrying about how the hell I'm going to teach 8 year olds. And thirdly, because that's just how I am.

Last night I started drinking too much, too early. So when my SO got home around 9:30 I was basically passed out. He was obviously upset, not angry upset, but sad upset. I don't want to make him feel bad for going to school, but I also want him to freaking BE HERE WITH ME. Another night passed without a single word passed about why I'm feeling the way I am. Because really, who wants to have a serious conversation with a drunk girl?

I woke up this morning still feeling messed up. I didn't even feel like taking my dog out, but finally convinced myself to take her out and go on my long run with her. I've always thought a good diet and good exercise can improve someone's mood. But today, it didn't. Once I got home I just wanted to crawl into a corner and cry.

I think I've finally calmed down a bit. I have somewhat of a game plan on how to handle my first week teaching. And I'm just going to have to take it week by week, every week.

Thanks for letting me talk to someone.