I'm a freakshow

lucybelle started a blog post I'm a freakshow
November 17, 2012, 08:44 PM
I'm a freakshow

My parents are divorced. For a long time. Over 10 years. I always thought it never affected me, but now going into my own marriage I realize it has.

I never felt like the divorce was my fault or any of those typical things. The way the divorce affected me is I'm so sure that's how my relationship is going to end. In divorce.

Something my mom said to me during the divorce was "When you get married, you're so in love. It doesn't always last" And recently I've been thinking about it too much.

And then today I started thinking about candles. And because I'm a freakshow I started remembering this one time my dad gave me these candies, a letter and a candle and asked me to arrange it nicely for when my mom came home that day (Valentine's day). For whatever reason I realized that that little arrangement was probably the last ditched effort to save their marriage. They didn't want it to end. Especially my dad. My mom was the one who called it off. She told me it was because she fell out of love with him

Will that happen to me? Will I one day fall out of love of my SO? Or will my SO one day stop loving me?

I'm not scared about being married. I'm scared about it ending one day. We don't know the future. And everyone thinks the day they get married that *their* marriage will be different. *Their* marriage will last. But they don't know. They don't know for sure.

I'm just so scared.

I talked to my SO about it and he reassured me like he's supposed to. He said all the right things. But how can either of us know? No one enters a marriage thinking it will end. No one plans for heartbreak.

*sigh* I need a shrink.

To end it on a not so depressed note-- I finished my bouquet finally! It is awesome!
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8 comments
- #6
  
  Dziubka commented
  
  November 18, 2012, 01:16 PM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  My parents are also divorced and my SO (and potential spouse's) should be. You just don't know whether it will happen, marriage doesn't come with a guaranty. But one thing my mum told me, that even after the divorce, that wasn't very easy or peaceful, she doesn't regret it and she wouldn't want to make it undone and even if she had known before or could do it again, she would. Just because it ends in divorce doesn't mean it was never beautiful or a successful marriage. I think that's important. I would rather have 20 years of a mostly happy marriage that end in divorce than never experience it at all.
  And who knows, maybe yours will work out.
- #7
  
  Zephii commented
  
  November 18, 2012, 03:56 PM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  I think it's good, I think smart people have these thoughts. No use going in with blinders on!
  
  But, you know, if you don't TRY you fail by default. And just knowing that marriages can fail unless the effort is put in will help you not take the marriage for granted. After that, you can only do your best, and surround yourself/your marriage with people that love and support you, and want to help you make it through the rough times, rather than people who are waiting to tear you down.
- #8
  
  lucybelle commented
  
  November 18, 2012, 06:01 PM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  Thanks everyone You guys all make sense. I guess for whatever reason it hit me kind of hard yesterday. But we love each other now so might as well give the "forever" thing a shot!
  
  And I'll get a picture of the bouquet up tomorrow. Hopefully
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I'm a freakshow