"Well he could find a job in something else. It might not be his first choice but then you could be together."
MOM. HE WORKS AT OLD NAVY. DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S HIS FIRST CHOICE?!
Sorry. I've spent the better part of the last day and a half yelling at no one, because there's no way in hell I would yell at my mom. At least, not like this. Don't get me wrong if I was there in person and we were having this discussion, I can pretty much guarantee that I would end up yelling.
And then she goes and texts him last night. Normally, no big deal. But she goes off on him about how "it's my dream" and "he shouldn't stand in the way" and "this is something she's (I) worked hard for" and "it would close us off" and "I (she) feel she is holding back what she wants". I admit that when I started college I expressed interest in finding a job that would move me around. But that was SEVEN YEARS AGO. Am I not allowed to change my mind about what I want out of life in SEVEN YEARS?!?! Because I certainly feel that's how she's acting. She's so focused on this crap I said when I was 18. Mom. I'm not 18 any more. I've done the moving around thing on my own. I'm tired of it. I want to be in one place. Indiana is more "home" to me than anywhere else we have lived. So why would I consider taking a job that would move me somewhere that would essentially kill my future husband's career??
To be honest, with or without Nix, I can imagine myself living in Indiana. Again, I may have said (SEVEN YEARS AGO) that I couldn't picture myself living there. But that was when I first moved there. That was when Indiana was just for college. When I go visit now, and fly over Indianapolis, I feel a huge sense of relief. Sure, part of it is because I'll be seeing my fiancé soon. But I remember one trip when he & I were living in ATL. I went up to Indy without him for a church thing. I felt the same relief and sense of "yay I'm home again" when I landed in the airport. Yes, I've told my family this. Several times. I don't think they believe me.
Honestly? I feel like my family is in support of the wedding, but not the marriage. If that makes any sense. I don't know what else to say to my mom to get her to shut up about this. It's not even like I applied for this job. THEY contacted ME. I now regret expressing any sort of interest ever in it.
I feel like my family thinks that Nix has brainwashed me. And I have no idea how to convince them otherwise.
My first thought, though, was that it's not that they don't support you, the wedding, the marriage or your relationship with Nix, but more that what she doesn't support is the idea that you're giving something up to be with Nix, something that could help, in her mind, further your career and also put you in a desirable position. Whether or not that's accurate, that's up to you, and from what you say here, it sounds like your mother has a bit of a skewed idea on what you want in the first place, but I can say from my own experience with my own mother, sometimes what comes off as a lack of support is really support not being exercised in the best of ways. I think sometimes parents worry because, well, they're parents and that's what they do.
I don't know how reasonable your mother is or your parents are, but I'll keep my fingers crossed that they hear you out. I honestly think that the best thing to do would be to lay out the reasons why you're turning down the job that don't have to do with Nix at all. Explain that this would have been a perfect opportunity for you when you were 18, but things change and you want something different out of your life. I know that for me, when speaking with my grandfather at least, who is the most unreasonable and overbearing of the family, what has always helped is presenting him with all the logical reasons behind my decisions. If he's worried about x being over a boy, then I explain all the y- and z-reasons for why it isn't. That usually gets him to shut up long enough to hear my side of the story, in any case, but I think if you frame it in terms of being what's best for you versus in terms of being what's best for Nix, Nix's opportunities or your relationship, they might see it a little bit differently. I may be projecting too much of my own experience onto yours, but it sounds like your mother is simply worried you're giving up something for Nix, and no one should ever sacrifice their hopes and dreams for a partner. Maybe she just needs to be told that you know that and that it's not why you're not taking this job opportunity.
I guess what I'm trying to say is one of you will not have a great job no matter where you move at first. Like when my SO and I move back to the USA, we'll go where he gets the job. Then I'll figure out something afterwards. And I would of course be open to do other things until I found something more in my field. It's very difficult to find two perfect jobs in the same location at the same time.
I'm not saying take the job in Salt Lake, you obviously don't want to. But just be realistic about finding your perfect career and your SO's perfect career at the same time in the same place. It sounds like your mom wants you to find a job first, then have your SO find one.
I see both of your points. And I think honestly what it came down to is apparently I hadn't ever actually said to her that I don't want this job. My dad (sigh) told her that the job was still open and who knows what else and so she got all excited about it and brought this up again. Her main concern (even though I have repeatedly told her it wouldn't happen) was that if I were to move to Indiana he & I would move in with his parents. Apparently hearing it from him changed her perspective. Although I understand why she would have been concerned, it's a little frustrating to me that me telling her "I'm not going to let that happen" isn't good enough.
Piper, yea, my mom is really into the whole wedding planning deal. She's planning on being in the area for something like two weeks before the wedding (with or without me there). I love my parents. I am grateful for their perspectives, and I will continue to seek their advice in the future. But at the same time, it's incredibly frustrating when I don't feel like they are listening to what I am saying to them.
LB, Nix & I have known from the time we started job hunting I would most likely be the breadwinner of our family. It's definitely a challenge, and it's the reason why we're LD. The thing is, it's much easier for me to find a job than I expected, especially now that I have "real world" experience (something I'm discovering as I'm sending out my resume to different places). He's getting experience now at a part time position at a local high school as their theater manager. The church scenario is his "dream" job. I don't expect either of us to ever really have the "perfect" career, and goodness knows we'd ever be able to find them in the same place.