I am sick and tired of waiting to hear back from these companies. I am sick and tired of not knowing when we will get to close the distance. I am so tired of feeling like I'm just completely stuck in this crappy place where I am rather miserable because I'm alone.

I don't feel like I can really complain to anyone, because someone always has it worse off than I do. Broken relationships, longer distances, health problems, money problems, any/all of it.

But these are my problems, and they are real. I am so freaking sick and tired of feeling like my family thinks Nix has brainwashed me. I'm tired of feeling like they are all against me moving to where he is because I'm apparently happy moving every freaking year. Guess what, family, I HATE IT.

I'm exhausted, stressed out, and no one is here for me to just vent to. I just want to go and not feel bad about dumping all my problems on someone and just talk and cry and talk and just be... sad without feeling guilty. But I can't do that where I am. I can't do that with old friends, because there's always something. Maybe it's partly because I don't like being the center of attention. Maybe it's because I know they're problems are "bigger" than mine and so I try to just stuff my problems back down and let them vent. Help them out, give them advice.

And so I'm here again, stuffing everything in. Stuffing all my crap into boxes, wishing Nix were around so I could just unload them and know that he'll help me sort through everything.

Honestly? I just want to be able to know that if I cry he will wrap me up in his arms and just hold me while I get my makeup all over his shirt. I just want to know that if I fall asleep after my breakdown he will be there, still holding me.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be depressing, I'm just.. crap, see? I'm doing it again. I even know when I'm putting everyone else first. I just... I need to put myself first for a while. I need love and hugs from my fiancé and I need to be spoiled a little bit. Coffee, chocolate, an extra hour in bed, cuddles with him.

I'm not depressed (at least I don't feel like I am), I don't want people to feel bad for me. I'm just... ugh. I don't know. I just wanted to vent, I guess. I don't feel any better getting any of this out there. I know if I texted all of this to Nix he would just say "Sorry :-\" or ":-(". Which, I know he's a boy and I know he's not a man of many words. So, it wouldn't bother me. I know he's struggling with this as much as I am, but the struggle is different.

I would say, "I wish he would just let us elope" or "I wish that October was sooner" but honestly, I don't know how us being married would make any of this better. I mean, I guess we could be living together? It's not that we're against it before marriage, it's that until we're "a family unit" it just doesn't make much sense for me to be supporting us. Because that's what would happen right now. It might happen even after we get married. But if he can keep his jobs where he is now, and I can find something near him, wouldn't that be better for us in the long run? I know he'd be happier if he was working. Which would make me happier.

Just... ugh. And, to top things off, the new coffee grounds I bought are gross. Maybe that's why my morning is going so poorly. Bad coffee. I almost don't want to drink it but... coffee... Sigh. Note to self: spend the $8 on the good stuff. Coffee is not something to go generic with, I guess.

ETA: And now I might not even be freaking allowed to get back on birth control because my mom had a stroke a few years ago. Because apparently thrombosis (blood clots) can be genetic. How the heck do they test for that crap? I'm getting married in 7 freaking months. I am sick and tired of being PMS-y and crampy and I don't want to have my period on my freaking honeymoon. What the hell. Why is today going down the toilet. It's not even 10am yet and I'm already trying to figure out if I can go home.