And I really don't want to be at work. This week has been busy. And when I say busy I mean... I haven't gotten anything accomplished. So I have been busy avoiding doing anything productive. I've been rather successful.

This weekend was actually very busy. Saturday morning was my church's Easter egg hunt, there were about 300 people that showed up for it. I needed a nap after wards, but I didn't get one. Saturday afternoon I spent finishing up the diaper bag that should have been done a week ago (whoops) so I could take it with me to Bible study. The woman who leads our Bible study is about to become a grandma (at the ripe old age of 40), so we had a baby shower last weekend that I missed. Whoops. I didn't get home until midnight (that's what happens when you get 15 women in one room that haven't seen each other in a month).

So I got up eeeeeeearly on Sunday and made my very first ever batch of gluten & dairy free cupcakes before church. Then I was at church from 8:30 until 12:45ish (we had 2 Easter services) and went home to frost the delicious-ness. Then I had lunch with my VA family and got back home about 6pm. And then did laundry. And managed to avoid my insane neighbor (phew!).

I haven't talked to Nix much since his birthday last week. I think we've had one phone conversation that lasted all of maybe 10 minutes, and we've barely texted. He's been busy too, so it's not like we're avoiding each other or anything. Last night his family dragged him into watching Passion of the Christ. Not gonna lie I got a little annoyed because it's a long movie. I mean, yes, family time is important and I know he's constantly getting roped into things because he's there with his family, but I wish for once he would maybe tell them, "I haven't talked to her in a week. Can I skip this one?"

I guess I'm getting annoyed because from what I can tell, his brother is never around because he's busy with his girlfriend & playing "dad". (She's got a 3 yr old daughter.) I know it's extremely unfair of me to compare them at all, because they're CD. We're not. Nix is the quintessential big brother, whereas J is most obviously the younger. Enough about J and his issues.

I've told Nix before how I feel. I don't want to tell him again, and it's not because I "expect him to know how I feel", but because I'm just tired of feeling like I'm putting more into this than he is. I'm tired of feeling like the only reason we talk is because I start it. And I know that it's not good for me to think this way. I know that not talking to him isn't going to make him talk to me or anything. I'm not going to wait for him to come to me first or text me first or anything. I'm just... tired of feeling like I don't exist to him. (Which I did tell him last week.) I'm tired of feeling like I'm in 3rd class and his family is all in first. He knows all of this. I've told him it at least twice.

The problem is I don't know what I can to do to fix it. I don't know what he can do to fix it. I don't know if there is a solution, because I can't expect him to say "screw you family" and ignore them. He's not that kind of guy. He wouldn't ever even think of saying that to them. I've known that from the beginning of this relationship, and I'm okay with it. I love his family.

But I feel like they're pushing us apart. His parents have told me many times they already think of me like a daughter. Heck, they were telling me that before Nix & I started dating. His sisters are great, I love them. His brother, when he's not being an idiot, is a sweet guy too.

Maybe it's because I keep thinking back to how it was when we first started getting to know each other. It was over Christmas break and he was texting me during all the family things. No, I don't expect, heck, I don't WANT him to do that now. I want him to be able to have quality family time. I mean, I am going to be stealing him away in less than 7 months. But then why do I feel like complete crap when it's been a week since we've talked? Why do I feel like crap when he's busy tonight because he has work, and then "I'm free all day Tuesday. Oh wait. I just got invited to trivia night. What about Wednesday? I'm actually free for once."

I just want to give up some days. I'm not going to. I'm not even looking for advice or anything I'm just... venting, I guess. I'm annoyed at his family. I want to yell and scream and cry and whine at his parents because I feel like they're keeping him from me. I want to yell and scream at him because I feel like he's not sticking up for us. I want to scream at A because she got to be there for his birthday and all I got was a video chat when he was opening presents. So, all of 5 minutes. Less than that, probably.

Life isn't fair, guys. I know that. It's not perfect and I'm not going to get everything I want when I want it. But I'm so tired of feeling like I'm just third class. I'm so tired of feeling forgotten about. I'm going to see him next weekend, but it doesn't feel real. Yes, I want to go, but at the same time, I just... don't. I know it's stupid. I should be over the moon excited. I mean, it's my birthday weekend. And I'm going to spend it with my fiancé.

Maybe next week I'll be more excited about it.

Tomorrow's gotta be a better day, right? Right...?