Various things I've been reading and hearing and seeing have all been giving me the same reminder--that love is patient. It's not unreasonable for me to have been doing what I've been doing in trying to get Eebs to talk to me more, but it's been selfishly based. Not out of a desire for his happiness, but a desire for mine. I haven't been very patient with him at all. I haven't really taken the time to understand why he's talking less, and have just been projecting my own fears onto the situation. And I realized that even if my fears were actually correct, I can't make him choose to continue being my friend. The best way to make and keep a friend is to be one yourself--if I was truly behaving as a friend should, then I shouldn't try to force him into something he doesn't want to do. I should accept his choices, even if I don't agree with them. Sure, I can say something, like what I think and feel and what I believe he should do, but ultimately, if he'd be happier without me, then I don't really have the right to try and keep him with me.
Also, I've been acting like I own him or something. Like I have the right to demand something other than what he's willing to give. Maybe if he was actually my boyfriend I could get away with it, but he's not--he's just my best friend. He's not obligated to do ANYthing for me. XD
And then Zephii shared a poem with me and made a point that I really hadn't considered--that he's still talking to me "for love's sake." I'd been sitting here thinking I don't have anything to offer anymore, it's just a matter of time before he gets sick of me and leaves...but he's still here, isn't he? He's still talking to me. He has gotten irritated with some of the things I've said, but he's never actually gotten mad at me. Or if he has, he's always taken the time to calm down and think rationally before responding to whatever it was I said.
And man...I suddenly felt horrible. Look how unfairly I have been treating him. I can't pretend his behavior is ideal, that I'm totally satisfied with it, but why is it all about me? Maybe I should start focusing on him instead of focusing on me. Maybe I should appreciate the things he DOES do, instead of freaking out about the things he DOESN'T.
So I apologized to him. I told him I'm sorry for how I've been acting and for my whole mentality toward him.
And you know what? He's still not very talkative, but he seems a lot happier and more willing to talk. My attitude and all the things I said must have been so stressful and annoying and irritating for him. Turns out I was part of the problem. And by acknowledging just how awful I've been, and making a conscious effort to stop...he doesn't have to feel pressure every time he talks to me, now, I guess.
I dunno, it was just really exciting to me. To realize that all I had to do to help things out was just step back and stop trying to control everything. Sounds so obvious when it's put like that, but I had to see it that way first.
Talking about it's helped put me in a better mood, actually, so my rant won't be quite as angry. Still frustrated about it, though.
My mom. Ugh. She's had a lot of crap to deal with in her life, and I understand that she has trust issues and whatnot. It's just so hard to deal with sometimes. Sometimes she's really open-minded and understanding, and then there are some issues that she is incapable of seeing clearly.
I shouldn't have even mentioned Eebs to her, but I did. It hurts that she won't even accept the fact that I'm going to be friends with him, and that's that. I have avoided mentioning him to her as often as possible, and I never confront her on the issue of what she thinks of the whole thing. Until today.
I feel like she thinks there's something wrong with me for being friends with someone 5 years younger than me. Never mind the actual people involved, and the actual circumstances; those mean nothing to her. She says people my age should be in a whole different world compared to people his age. Well, generally speaking, they are. I get it. But I'm not friends with him because I refuse to grow up or anything. If that was it, I'd be friends with a lot more people his age. But he's pretty much the only teenager I can stand, with the exception of my just-barely-13-year-old brother. And even he's starting to be really hard to deal with.
I dunno. She claims it's just because it's... "a bad choice" that I'm making (being friends with him), and as my mom she has the duty to point it out and try to explain why I shouldn't do it. She thinks I should have just been NICE to him but if he is really as awesome as I say, then it should have been no problem to wait till he turns 18 to actually befriend him. Yeah, because that wouldn't be even weirder. And impossible. If we weren't friends, we wouldn't still be talking, and he's still not 18. Her logic there is a bit doubtful. XD
It's just...ugh. She is the only one who is this strongly opposed to my friendship with him. Because it's "socially unacceptable," and I need to "avoid the appearance of evil," I shouldn't be friends with him. I get not wanting to give people the wrong idea. But okay. My brother is 18 now; when he was 14 he started getting into a lot of trouble. One girl he hung out with was 20, and she was actually kinda crazy. I mean, aside from the fact that she was a drug dealer and stuff. She was really controlling and I dunno, it was really unhealthy. She's been in trouble with the law for stuff with young teens before. But anyway, my mom told a friend of hers about their friendship, and before she even had a chance to mention who the girl was, what she did, or anything at all about her but her age, the friend said that the only thing a 20-yr-old could want with a 14-yr-old is sex.
My mom ACTUALLY COMPARED MY SITUATION TO THAT. OMG. If all I wanted was sex, I would have been done with him years ago. If that was a priority for me, I wouldn't have been spending time on the internet talking to people. I mean, really. Not that she thinks I want sex...but she thinks that's what everyone else must think. Everyone who will think that hasn't embraced the changes that have been made in our society and with the internet and stuff. I mean, because of the internet, age isn't always as big a deal as it used to be. You can make friends with people of all ages. You can befriend someone before you even know their age in the first place.
I dunno. It just really bothers me that she's never going to be supportive. I mean, she doesn't even know that I have feelings for him...and she already thinks I'm weird and wrong and crazy and going to get in trouble just because I'm friends with him.
It's hard to realize that there are some things that, no matter how well my mom and I relate and get on, I am never going to be able to talk with her about.
The second part: You mum seems a bit on the strange side, but then I guess most mums are. (And I'm sure I wont be immune from it either!) but I don't think you should say "never" either. It might take a few (many!) years for her to come round, but that doesn't mean there is no hope at all, or that she wont come to love and accept him when she knows him. My sister for example is against making friends online. She would never meet someone in person that she'd met online, and she doesn't count any of my online mates as "real" friends.... and yet, she accepts and loves Obi who I met online, and a bunch of other friends who have become in-person friends after meeting online. So yeah. Some people are odd, but there's always hope!
I can see your point, though.... I guess if she's set in her belief right now, there's obviously not much I can do about it, but since I'm not really intending on ditching the friendship, there should be plenty of time for her to eventually accept it and to hopefully come to understand it a little better. Maybe she'll never approve of the first few years of our friendship, even though it would be nice, but I guess after a certain point, whether it's when we meet in person or when he turns 18, or whatever, she'll hopefully at least stop opposing the entire thing.
It's good to know there are other "nonbelievers" out there who learn to accept the idea of making friends online, at least in some cases, so I know that it's not impossible for my mom to come around. XD
Thanks for your comment!