We had our first significant argument a few weeks back. Prior to that point in time he's always been amazing. I wouldn't be on this website if things had not been incredible.
Post argument? It's like he's not even the same person.
What led up to this was stuff with family. He's been taking care of them to the point he was emotionally spent. When he started to crash he got a little snippy with me, which is fine. I don't mind it, but I do try to stay out of the way when he gets like that because I don't want to get snapped at. So sue me.
He doesn't like it when I give him space like that but at the same time arguing about what I meant when I said I wish I could scratch his back as a gesture meant to comfort and not maim him didn't seem very productive either.
He says he's "on guard" right now with me. I can tell he is. The way he's been snapping at me and things he's been saying to me have put me on guard with him. Everything I say to him right now is earning me a snide and smart ass response, which is not like the man I've come care for.
I've got massive self esteem issues. He's helped me work through these and for once in my live I met someone who liked me for me, all my weirdness included. I always feel like I'm a burden to the people around me because I feel like I shouldn't rely on other people for anything. He's reassured me over the last year and a half that I'm not a burden, ever. The way he's been with me, so open and forthcoming, have given me a security I've never felt before. I haven't felt the need to make any assumptions about anything with him because of how sure I am in his regard for me and my person. He's told me he loves my mind and how it works and has called me his "go-to porn" lol he's made me feel secure in my thoughts and my body, both of which have historically been major issues for me.
And now I feel exactly the opposite. He's said that the things I say and the questions I ask are "odd," which has made me feel so insecure again. He wants me to be open with him, but doesn't want to hear how I feel about anything. He's even said that the emotions I express are manipulative at times. He tells me we're okay, and that he's just feeling sensitive right now, which means he's drained. But he continues to help his family, draining his resources, and taking it out on me.
I'm torn, confused, and lost right now. I'm giving him space. Who knows when I'll speak to him again. I miss him, but I miss the man he was a few weeks ago. I miss the man I've come to know and love over the last year and a half and I don't know how to get him back again. I want to feel that surety I had with him again and the only person who's going to make me feel that is him. So I sit here, waiting, wondering, assuming, fretting, worrying, and insecure where this will lead us. I hope he comes back to me but I have such a desolate feeling in my chest right now.
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merlinkitty started a blog post Hoping this isn't the endHoping this isn't the end
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I've even flat out said to him: Just because you've been in a bitchy mood lately, it doesn't give you an excuse to treat me like shit.
Usually when I'm being cranky, I know I'm being cranky and I always apologize to him before it gets worse or he brings it up.
I was walking on eggshells a bit with him recently because he's been so snappy. We got to the point where I acknowledged that I was doing this, he told me again how much it drives him crazy when I do that, so I just tried to be normal, which got him being all snarky and telling me I was saying "odd" things. I told him I didn't think I was being much different and he said "perhaps" but that he felt that I'd pushed him so much that he was drained. I could perhaps see this, which is why I told him I'd back off for a while.
He's been telling me how much his brother is taking out of him still and he's still sacrificing all his time and energy to get this guy up and moving. Full makeover, we're talking. Diet, haircut, new clothes, got the brother debt-free. I mean I totally understand that there is a connection he has with his brothers that will never be duplicated with anyone and the perceived duty it is for an older sibling to help pick up the younger ones when they're down. Except for the fact that he needs to do all of this stuff for himself too!!
The way I'm seeing things, his family is killing him again and I'm getting the brunt of the frustration and shortness. He asked me the other day how to get space from his brother to take care of his business without setting his brother off. Apparently he's a bit of a bully and guilt trips everyone when they don't do what he wants. I told him I would think about it and then told him later that the only thing I could see that actually could be done was picking himself over his brother. My guy needs to take care of himself. There are things he needs to do or he will literally be homeless and jobless again and his family will not help him out. That's how we got to this position in the first place.
Yes, I know his situation is not ideal. Parts of it scares me. I've told him this before, and he's been really proactive about it until his brother came along needing him. I have a brother too. I get it. We're both recovering from a really screwed up childhood too (isn't everyone?!) but the difference is that my brother isn't putting me in a position, with all his anxiety attacks and depression, where I have to pick his mental well-being over my own.
I can tell after a few days when we don't speak he misses me, cause he comes to find me, except when we get talking again he gets all snippy again. He did this again Saturday (he found me that day) and things just snowballed into another talk about how short he is, how sensitive we're both being, and I asked him what needed to happen differently. He's all "speak to me openly and directly." Ok, fine. But then he tells me, well he doesn't know what to say to me. O.o we've known each other for going on two years. How can he not know what to say to me?? Then the truth comes out. He's on guard with me.
No matter how much I care about him, I'm not going to sit around and have him essentially ridicule everything that comes out of my mouth. I've developed this enormous fear over the last few weeks that this is going to turn into my last relationship, where he would make me feel like such an idiot for everything I said. Guy said he thought I was autistic and I believed him. And here I am, speaking to a man who's never made me feel like this, who's starting to say things that are cropping up all these issues that I've had, and I'm trying desperately not to let it affect me and realize that he's just under a lot of stress right now.
I am definitely giving him space until he's ready to talk. Everything I say to him he's fussing at me in response. I don't know what else to do.
I just vented lol
And you're right. Once the dust settles I'm going to be upfront with him because right now I think I'm taking on all the blame for this trying to smooth things over and it's just making it worse. I keep apologizing for all my behavior, when he's has been no better and he's apologized once for it. We got into a heated thing last year and it upset him because I kept taking the blame for everything and he was telling me that he was at fault too but that I refused to openly acknowledge it and tell him what he did that upset me. He can't fix things if he doesn't know. Good point.
I really appreciate what you've said here. It's solid and I just need to take a step back for a few days, but drop my eggshell issues when he's ready to talk again.