Disappointed in Myself

I'm really disappointed in myself. I started smoking AGAIN back in October. I've been an on and off smoker since I was 17. I feel like such an idiot, like I could control it this time. I know better. It makes me feel weak and since I've met my SO, I've never felt so strong. I feel like I've let him down, and more importantly, me.

I've been in a rut for a while now. I've got him coming to visit me and the threat of imminent exposure to the slob I am right now is not getting me off my ass to take care of my business.

I shouldn't put so much stock in one individual to keep my spirits up, but I have. He always tells me how strong I am, how proud he is of me, and right now I feel like I've failed his esteem. What he would tell me is it's not him I'm doing this for. It's me. He wants me to own myself and my decisions. He will make me think, tell me his opinion when I ask for it, but he always trusts me to take care of me. And I haven't been doing a great job of it lately.

I'm going to go settle myself outside, enjoy my last cigarette, and conquer my own head and throw out the vaping stuff. Tonight. As he would tell me, it's only my own head I'm fighting and that's easy

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4 comments

#2

leonsfangirl commented

March 10, 2015, 06:22 AM

Editing a comment
Im the same, off and on since 15 and im 32. Smoke when im stressed/upset or drunk. Still slip up but its ok, we will kick the habit eventually. Tomorrow is a new day to quit.
#3

merlinkitty commented

March 10, 2015, 09:25 AM

Editing a comment
It's a terrible thing lol I do the same, when I'm stressed or drunk bring it on!! Well I threw all my contraband out last night. Let the twitching begin lol
#4

Dwessie commented

March 14, 2015, 02:02 AM

Editing a comment
I don't smoke but I'm feeling the entire rest of this. She always tells me how strong I am and I've done nothing but mope lately and fall apart and not shower and not clean anything and it's lame and I hate myself right now ><

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Disappointed in Myself