I know in a place where there is so many positive things happening, misery isn't easily dealt with, but I need to let some stuff out. I can't keep pouring my misery onto the same people so maybe I'll put it in this place and let it stay there. I don't want to carry this with me.
I feel horrible today. I think part of it is because it is becoming real to me. I indicated to my boss when I told him I was headed home for the day that I was "99.9%" sure I wouldn't be taking vacation. I don't know what it is I need to do keep my head in the game, but I have most assuredly lost it today.
I want so bad to reach out to him, tell him what an asshole he is and make him see why he is one. The first part of that isn't my nature to do to someone, and the second, well, he can't see reason. How can I force him to see when he's not a reasonable person himself?
I was feeling better this morning, but after writing a long one, which I may or may not send to him, I feel such a sense of desolation now. I know I won't get closure on this from him. I have to create that for myself, but I don't want to do something I may regret later. I am worried about how he'd respond to something like I wrote, but what concerns me the most is doing something nasty and mean back to someone who did something nasty and mean to me. For some reason, this just seems beneath me. The letter I wrote isn't really nasty, per se, but it's truthful, and sometimes the truth hurts.
I guess part of what's bothering me about this is I know there's a good person in there, but he's being eaten alive by all the horrible things in his life. Not that this is my fault or my responsibility to fix, but I do feel like there is nothing I can do for him anymore, and I hate giving up on people. I hate throwing them aside like the trash he's treated me like.
And I guess things like this are what I should remember. My friend told me the other day "friends don't talk to friends like that" and as simple as that sounds, it's true. Why would you want someone, friend or SO, to talk to you like he did me?
I see no way to close this door and I want to. I feel like it's still open and I'm feeling gusts of wind that keep reminding me it's there. Sending him a "fuck you," which I have been really tempted to at points, is just not me. Maybe once I get the airline situation sorted, put some kind of resolution there, I can begin to put this behind me. Put some distance between me and that open door. It's the best I can hope for at this point.
As far as the rest goes, I must keep moving. I don't want to fall into a dead zone with no way out. I know better than that at this point. This isn't my first rodeo, but it doesn't make the pain any less. I guess I've just got to rely on myself and the coping mechanisms that I've built over the years to take me in a positive direction out of this place I'm in.
Announcement
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No announcement yet.
Letting Go
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I also think the fact that his visit was due to happen in 5 days now is forcing me to speed up this process of grieving/healing, which might work out to my benefit if I manage it properly. I did take myself off the Away Board at work a few minutes ago without much regret. I think I know or understand what happened. I don't really appreciate the how of it though. I know there's good in there, but his inability to manage it when times get rough makes it impossible to work with. I guess that's pretty much what you meant by "desire to be good" because he didn't seem to desire at all not to be a complete asshole to me.
Maybe one day I'll write him. I still feel I'm not quite ready to. There's a bit of bitterness I need to address still. I find it funny I'm still not incredibly angry with him, just disappointed. But to end things on a positive note, I am feeling better in control of myself today. Maybe I'll actually get some work done!!
EDIT: Oh god. Someone just noticed that I'm off the away board with a "what's up with that?" I think I'm going to cry lol I can't deal with all this emo stuff. It's wearing me out!
EDITEDIT!!: Well I got the telling of it out of the way now it's over I actually feel better and I went with the truth because the truth is easier to tell than fabricating a lie on fly. That rhymed lol
I am glad to hear that you got the truth out and are feeling better! I am also happy to hear that you are feeling in control of yourself. Keep it up!