I figure using the blog feature to deal with the home stretch will be a good thing. I'm really feeling the weight of the wait (heh) a lot these days, and it's kinda stupid how much trouble I'm having with it. I suspect my own mental issues are playing into it, but it's kind of a mess trying to distinguish what's what.
In the past, I missed him a lot too while he was gone, but it was just our state of being, the nature of our relationship, and I could deal with it. But now it's so much harder. It feels like everything is about to change and yet nothing is happening. I'm having trouble coming up with a suitable metaphor - I suppose it's something along the lines of hungrily sitting in front of a buffet and being told you have to wait 54 more days until you can eat, even though the table is decorated and everything looks like the dinner is about to commence. I feel like I'm so ready for us to start that life together, it's like I'm too ready for it. No matter how hard I try to ignore or deal with it, part of me keeps acting and feeling as if he was already here.
I'm not alone with this feeling, apparently - My SO told me that on the day he left, he just went through the motions - He didn't actually feel like he was leaving. He left, but emotionally, he was just kinda numb to it all. It seems that in this situation, we are both moving in different directions. With the past visits, my SO was always the outwardly emotional one, getting visibly anxious and sad when he had to leave, crying on my shoulder, the full ordeal. I was the one automatically going into crisis mode, and as per my stoic self, staying calm and collected and stubbornly working through it all. But now, my SO is the numb one while I feel emotionally on edge every day. It's as if I used up all my resistance for the time being.
I'm so lucky that things are looking incredibly good for us. The only thing missing from sealing the deal in full is my SO securing a job, and I know that won't be a big deal as long as he keeps pestering his contacts and schedules interviews once he's in the country. So by all means, I should be overjoyed, and I could kick myself that I'm not. Instead of being stoked, I'm just going through the motions, doing all I can to help my SO with the move, trying to take care of myself, and counting down the days.
At least I booked things today and got my SO an appointment with a psychiatrist so he can keep getting his medication. I might feel like crap, but I'm not going to stop moving forward.
Anyway,
I think you are right on target about the emotional issues. Objectively, things are going well, it's just that I'm not really getting the emotional strength I need. I can handle my work, I can handle most of my household duties, I'm objectively doing pretty well. But I know that mentally, I'm really not feeling well. It's really just me functioning, not actually enjoying things. My anxiety and depression issues are undoubtedly a part of it.