Last weekend, he was being really weird about contact. He's never been great at messaging me back while away but this time it was particularly bad. He didn't want to skype because this summer at home would be all of his social contacts for the whole year (he doesn't have friends here). I was pretty upset and felt unimportant, so I told him that. Then I regretted it for no particular reason and sent another email apologizing. Apparently that first email annoyed him so much that he didn't want to talk to me for the rest of the next day either. The next days he didn't say 'I love you', just nothing or 'you too'. That's when I feared something was wrong but I never thought it would lead to this so soon.
Yesterday night I was in bed, about to fall asleep, when he messaged me 'we need to talk' and 'it's serious. about us'. Of course, I knew right away. I was shaking and told my dad he was going to break up with me and I needed a laptop. Of course google hangouts wasn't installed and then didn't work, and on my mom's laptop skype didn't work, so we ended up giving up and just texting instead. He broke off a 3,5 year relationship over text messages.
He first said he couldn't handle the distance after next year, when our studies would be finished. I told him right away I was going to move, because that was the plan. But apparently there was more, he hadn't loved me anymore since this spring. I never noticed anything. He lied each time he returned my 'I love yous' for the past months and that hurts me. I don't even remember what I said but the bottom line was that he's not romantically interested in my anymore. He's been thinking about breaking up for the past two weeks but suddenly had to tell me on a weeknight, midnight my time, knowing I have work early in the morning and all that stuff. I mean, if you've been waiting two weeks then why not until the weekend when we can actually have a good talk. I'm just so mad about that. I demanded skype time this weekend because I still don't really understand. I hope he doesn't have someone else, but I almost can't imagine it.
So this morning at work I told my coworkers, and they were really nice about it. Some friends called, some of you messaged me here or on facebook, so I got through the day quite okay. I immediately started rationalizing for myself, I'll write it out here too.
Things I'm sad about:
-That he lives here most of the year, but chooses to do this when he's home for the summer. We can't talk or have a last hug or something.
-He's at my university, lives 2 doors away and we still have another year to go. I'm going to see him a lot.
-No more hugs, cuddles, kisses, ever again even though when he left I thought he'd just come back and everything would be fine.
-We both have a lot of stuffed animals and are really some sort of family. We share some too. I'm pretty sad about that and don't know how it'll work.
-I'll never see his family again, and him probably too after this school year.
-He was really part of our family and my siblings and parents are very upset.
-We still have a 4 day trip to England planned for a gaming convention which we can't cancel.
-I gave him so many cool gifts, some of which I'd like to have back if he's just going to throw them away. No idea how to do that though.
-Everything he has in his room is mine or my family's. It's just awkward.
-I can't imagine ever being with someone else, or him being with someone else that's better than me.
-I hate being alone and I already panick at the thought of it.
-I love(d?) him so much.
Things I'm happy/relieved about:
- He didn't want kids, I kind of accepted that but secretly I didn't.
- He didn't like kissing or being intimate at all, just cuddling. I do.
- He didn't like travelling, being social, going out for dinner/movies etc. I do.
- Now I don't have to move to the US and go through all the trouble of being away from my family.
- He's going to miss me a lot. I know it, because I did his laundry, dishes, cleaned his room, cooked... etc.
- He says it's not my fault and I've been the best I could be. I guess that's some sort of relief too.
- I don't think I would have had the confidence 3,5 years ago to ever say 'I deserve better than this'. Now I do.
Right now the happy list is shorter than the sad list, but I guess it just needs time too. Is it bad that you immediately want to find all of someone's flaws in such a situation? It actually makes me feel better when I think about how we didn't fit after all, even though I did not believe that at any point in our relationship before. Maybe I just wanted to believe it so badly, and didn't quite stay true to myself. It doesn't take away the fact that I'm very heartbroken. I'm so glad I was staying at my parents' house when it happened. I think it would have been very different if I had been alone in my or even his appartment. I've slept in his bed for the past 3 months or so, it's so weird that it's over now. I guess I can't go in his appartment anymore either? I have his keys and lots of my stuff is there. I guess I'll have to take it all out before he gets back and can't sleep in his bed anymore now either. Gosh, this is just so surreal.
But anyway, if you've read this whole ramble: thank you for caring. I seem to be okay but I think part of me is just pretending. He was my first, I've never been through this before. If you have any advice, please share... And thank you all so much for being here for me throughout the years, I've found so much support here. I'll probably stick around anyway!
