I feel like I've reached the limit of me expressing my feelings with my friends. Well, that's 3 people, but I don't know anyone else close enough to even try. I feel like this is the only place I can vent and be honest without having to fear people look at me differently.

So ever since he broke up with me and the horrible skype session a few days later, contact has gotten a bit better. He told me the girl he kissed isn't interested in him so he felt pretty bad about that. Since then, I've asked how he was doing once a week and he really isn't doing well. It's not about that girl though, and he won't tell me what it is. He said he'd tell me once he gets back. He was raised in a way where he could never take time to process things and therefore gets over anything quite fast. I was hurt it only took him a week or two to get over me, but now this mysterious 'thing' has ruined his whole trip and kept him down for the past month. I am both curious and worried, since he's been my friend for so long now and I've never seen him like this. I know I should stop caring, at least until he tells me, but I just can't... It's really tiring. Last night I dreamt that the 'thing' was that he regrets what he did, that the other girl made him do it and now she doesn't like him. My mind is just driving me crazy I guess.

It's not that I want him back, absolutely not. It's my fear of being alone. Right before I met him, I had been hurt by a guy who just wanted to be friends but kissed me anyway, and then ran off with another girl the week I was in the US and met him. He was incredibly kind and really helped me become confident. It was like all my problems and insecurities from the difficult years before that faded away, I could even feel beautiful. Now he tells me he isn't attracted to me anymore, the person who made me feel pretty for the first time tells me I'm not. (Okay, that's exaggerated, but that's how I feel right now.) I just feel like I won't be good enough for anyone if it's not even for him. I also know it's not true, but that's what you get with old insecurities. He was there for me to help me when I felt like this last time, now I have to do it myself. Another thing I realized later is that he said that sexual attraction is really important in a relationship, and he just doesn't feel that. While he always told me he just didn't like sex and I was very understanding, now I feel like it was about me all along. Gosh, how someone can make you feel so ugly and useless with indirect comments.

Anyway. Many of you have said 'cut all contact' and I wish I could. He comes home next Monday, and I have his keys so I'll have to see him. Then Thursday we're flying to England for a 5 day gaming convention. He has quite a few friends there he's going to meet, I only have one. And that's a mutual friend. I still wanted to go though, because I think it'll be a really cool experience and I'm not going to let him take that away from me just because I want to avoid him. So I have three days to figure out if we can treat each other normally (I hope so) and then we're going. I'll be busy at the event, but the trip there and back worries me. I know there's nothing I can do to make it better, I'll just have to do it and be strong.

I'm so tired of complaining and being so weak and not being able to just feel good and move on. Thanks for reading this, it means a lot to me.