I really don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff, so I thought I'd just write my heart out here. Today in my facebook memories a post showed up that I made 3 years ago, when I had just finished compiling the 'Good Morning Messages'. From about a week after we started dating, until the day we closed the distance (so that's 1,5 years), he sent me a message every day that I would read when I woke up. It's so incredible to me that we have 1,5 years of our lives documented. I probably shouldn't have... but I opened up the document and started reading some things again. He was so incredibly good at writing, I still can't believe how romantic and loving all of them were. I scrolled to when he first came to visit me, the first time we slept together, the day he left, and then the very last message, the day before we closed the distance. And I kind of just broke down, which is why I'm here.
It all feels so long ago now, I mean, the last message was from 3,5 years ago, but he's been really gone for half a year now. I got so lost reading those messages, I can't believe that anyone will ever love me like he did. Or does. I don't know anymore. When I slept with that guy in Turkey last summer and told him about it, he said he was just about to tell me he still loved me. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I hadn't done that, or if he hadn't reacted the way he did. I know there were issues in our relationship but it is so hard to keep distance when someone is such a great friend. We still talk basically every day, play games together, we're really good friends.
I don't know if I love him, or if I want the relationship back. I probably shouldn't even think about these things. I'm too scared to mention any of these thoughts to him because I fear it will ruin our friendship, that he'll look at me differently. What if he feels the same? Yeah, well, I'd still be stuck here and he's stuck there. We couldn't be together anyway, unless I find a way to move over there which isn't going to happen. And I don't know if I want that, either. I want to keep him as part of my life, because knowing that he'll be around to hang out with me and talk about random silly things in the evenings is a huge motivation to get my work done. He's so supportive and kind, I really don't know what I'd do without him as a friend. So I'll just keep all of this for myself, thank god I at least have you to share it with.
I still intend to go hang out with him in the summer, because we're having a good time together - as just friends! - and I need to deliver his diploma. Part of me just thinks that it would be easier if I found someone like him over here, so I could move on. But what if he's really the one? I'll just take it one day at a time...
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I installed Tinder again to force myself to look at other people, just for fun. It was pretty good help last time I felt this way.
This blog makes me sad because I want you to be happy! I agree with LB and whatruckus.... you do deserve better in a BF!
I think that putting yourself out there and focusing on yourself is the best thing you can do right now. I know an amazing woman like you will find a great man
It's OK and even healthy to acknowledge that you had good times in your relationship (I'm super suspicious of people who totally badmouth past relationships), but remember why it wasn't enough. It's easy to be fun and caring while long distance. You can fill all the gaps with your idealised version of him and there's no way to verify that.
But he wasn't a good boyfriend or even friend when he was here. He was an asshole. You don't want to be friends with assholes who treat(ed) you badly. Send his diploma in the mail. Spend your summer getting to know new people or having fun with your friends.
Block/delete him from your contacts where ever you communicate with him. I wouldn't even send that email, because you really don't need to explain yourself.
There are other people to talk about silly things with you. You can message anyone of us or your friends from uni.