In just under 7 weeks, I'll be in Finland again. I'm excited to see my boy again, but at the same time, full of anxiety and worry because I think we're at a crossroads of a kind. We've been doing this for about a year, and it started very free and open, I honestly didn't know that not only were we not on the same page, we weren't even in the same book! Around late September, I got my feelings really hurt and was pretty much told I wasn't all that important and didn't mean that much at that point. We hadn't met in person yet, so OK, I got it and figured I just seriously misunderstood what was going on. Things were strained after that and I thought about just saying fuck it and moving on, but then he asked me to come over and he made wonderful plans for us. I went over Christmas and had an amazing time.

I should mention that he's told me from the beginning that he was kinda done with women and just wants to be alone, although I'm a bit of an exception, but he's fine with how things are right now. We never have gotten back to those exciting, euphoric feelings of those first few months though, which is to be expected, but it seems as time goes on he gets even more careful and guarded. When I try talking about it all I get told is Finnish guys don't talk about feelings, or we should wait until we're face to face, or some other bullshit line.

I don't mind going slowly, if I think we're moving forward, I'm not in a hurry. About a month and a half ago we were talking and I brought up some sex stuff, just generalities, which he's suddenly clearly uncomfortable with. I was just asking about what turns him on, saying that I wanted to know in order to figure him out better, when he blurts out "I know you're gonna say this isn't what you meant, but I don't want to make any promises I can't keep" Huh? Of course he couldn't / wouldn't tell me exactly what he meant, where it came from, and why he was saying it. It was an uncomfortable talk after that, that once again left me feeling humiliated and hurt. Pretty much it was him reiterating how he wants to be alone, and never wants to be serious with anyone, but throws in how I could be the exception...maybe, blah blah blah. I still don't have any idea where it came from, but OK, fine. I get it. Somehow we're exclusive, but not serious at this time, and might never be, who knows.

So, we don't talk about feelings or emotions anymore, or should I say I don't, even though he kind of retracted everything and said we should be free to talk about this stuff and should do it more. Just as I was about to throw in the towel again, we planned another trip. Things still feel strained and restricted to me, and my walls that I so thoroughly smashed through are being built back up again.

He said I could say whatever I want once I'm there, but I think I've decided that I'm not going to. If he wants to talk, fine, he can start the dialogue, I'm tired of trying. While I was there last time, he told me he wants to know me completely, but how can I let that happen when he fights so hard against my getting to know him? If he was into me, he'd let me in, wouldn't he? I've been struggling with the whole 'He's just not that into you' theory, making myself believe it and trying to shut my feelings off as much as possible. I've told him I'd back off, hell, I'm the least clingy woman I know, but nope, he doesn't want that. He's there, almost every night, waiting for me when I get home from work. It's 12:30am his time, and he stays up with me talking, when he's dead tired and has to be up in the morning. He's gone so far as downing energy drinks just to stay awake til I'm home. Once in a great while he falls asleep waiting, but not much. So this doesn't make sense to me at all.

He's made plans to take me on a cruise while I'm there, and talks about all the interesting stuff we'll do, but at the same time, he doesn't sound all that enthused that I'm coming. Weird since I was only gonna go for a week, but he insisted on two. I just don't know what to do or think about all of this! On one hand, I think he's not that into this, but on the other, he says he's happy and if there's a problem, he'll tell me, and he's always waiting for me. I'm trying to lighten up, and try to teach myself how to consider him just some bizarre exclusive friend with occasional benefits, nothing serious or worth my vulnerability, but it's goddamn difficult.

What I want is an actual relationship, something tangible and something I can count on. I know his history and why he is the way he is, and I used to think I could bring him around. Now, I don't think I'm enough I don't mind going slow, but I DO mind going backwards! I don't know what to do really, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and see what happens while I'm there. I'm tired of being confused, and I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm misunderstanding things. I KNOW that when I left in January, we were on the verge of completely falling, so WTF happened? That was not a misunderstanding.

Seven long weeks until this is hopefully sorted, ugh. Anyway, if you read this, thanks for letting me vent. I needed it.