This won't be a pretty, feel-good blog though, life has been kicking my ass a bit lately. Where should I start? OK, I moved at the end of November, that's a good place. Me, my kid, her boyfriend, and our three dogs and cat moved into a gorgeous house that we absolutely love, we couldn't be happier here. The problem though, is the costs left me not quite able to do my fall/winter visit to Raine, and while that sucked, there wasn't much I could do about it. The new house has electric heat, and we had the worst winter ever, my electric bills went as high as $600 a month. That was unexpected and Christmas was thrown in there too, so no plane ticket for me. Whatever, life gets in the way sometimes, right? Raine gets a winter vacation, he said he wanted to come here, see the new place, etc. Didn't happen. Once again, work takes precedence over me, it usually does, or at least that's how it feels.
If you remember, as of two-ish years ago, Raine is now my direct manager. HR is very suspicious that we have a relationship, but they can't prove it. It wouldn't be good if they could. We also recently got a new IT director, life at work is high pressure, full of stress, and plenty of expected overtime (we're salaried, so it's free for them), I work until about 10pm a couple of nights a week, and two or three weekend days a month. Work fucking sucks, but it's a job. Raine works many, many more hours than I do, and it's been like that since his promotion. Raine also takes his career very, very seriously. He does not know how to turn off, and leave work at work, so he thinks about it All. Of. The. Time. Everything revolves around our stupid jobs, I'm so fucking sick of having to think about work constantly. I am career-minded, but I'm also life-minded! I work to live, not the opposite. Raine puts work above everything else, including me.
Why am I boring you with al of this? Good question
So, I haven't seen Raine since July 6th. I knew when he said he wanted to come to me that he wouldn't, that the workload would make him skip his vacation altogether. I should mention that, for the very few people in the world that I actually give a shit about, I'm the most understanding person there is. I put everyone's needs in front of my own, I don't bitch and complain, with me there's no unnecessary drama, I strive for that. If there's a situation that can't be helped, I make sure not to add any stress to it, because that never helps, and only adds pressure that nothing can be done about. So, I keep quiet.But, it's the middle of April. I always go to Helsinki for two weeks late June into July. There are no plans, or discussions about it. The last mention was about how we can't take off together, because of HR's suspicions. For the last two years, we both took two weeks, but only one together. Raine would work one week, and be off with me the other. Now, he feels that he needs to work both weeks, so HR won't suspect, but that's where I feel like it's too much, and not worth going at that point. Why would I spend $1200 on a plane ticket to sit around an empty apartment for two weeks? I can do that for free at home, where at least everything on TV is in English.
I miss him horribly, I'm incredibly lonely, and I feel taken for granted. I feel like an afterthought.
I get the work thing, I live it everyday, and I'm perfectly willing to have to make concessions because of it, within reason. I kind of feel like he doesn't care if I come or not, he's completely satisfied with our one hour a day. Work comes first
Always. Because we only get one hour a day, and it's already 1am by the time we can talk, and he's stressed beyond belief, we don't talk about it, we're avoiding the conversation regarding vacation. I ignore it because I know I won't like the outcome, and I'll feel even worse afterward. I did mention to him to start thinking about what he wants to do, but of course, he hasn't followed up. He knows I don't want to sit in his stupid fucking apartment for two weeks alone, but I don't think I'm important enough for him to remedy that in any way. I know that's not true, but it's how I feel at the moment. I don't mind much doing it for one week, but at some point, I think I should get the opportunity to feel like a priority, like I'm important to someone. Not like an afterthought, or an obligation. So, I don't know what to do. As many of you know, I'm OK with being in an LDR, it doesn't bother me too much, I chose this, as long as I can see Raine a few times a year, I'm content. Now it's been almost a year, I don't know when we'll see each other, and I'm not OK with that. We aren't broke 16 year olds, with no way to do it, we're adults who make decent salaries, and have a decent amount of vacation time. Maybe I'm just being a selfish, stubborn asshole? I don't know. I know he could always come here for a change, and I'll work, and he can sit around MY house. I just want to feel like I matter, without having to beg for it, you know? Raine marches to the beat of his own drummer, and I've always appreciated that, and encouraged it, but I'm getting to my breaking point. That's very rare for me, I'm pretty tough
I feel like I want to scream and stomp my feet, and have a full on temper tantrum, which is a strange feeling for me.So yeah. This is why I don't blog much. I'm terrible with emotional stuff, during times when I should be letting people in, I shut them out. When I should be looking for support, I push everyone away, it's what I've always done, it's just me. When I should write, I don't. I am now, because I've been getting gently poked, so there ya go
I'm glad I have those pokers though. If I seem kind of angry, impatient, and extra snarky lately, now you know why. I don't know what to do about the vacation situation, I guess I'll just wait and see.