I am in the middle of a prolonged freak out that only gets worse the closer he gets to leaving. I'm scared and sad and a little bit angry, but mostly scared. I don't want him to leave, but I'm not allowed to say that. I hate that he's leaving me, even though it'll be better for him. I'll be looking forward to the day when I can move there, but I'm scared. I'm scared we won't make it that long and that he'll give up on me. I'm scared we can't make it. Failures of my past LDRs is getting me down.

I'm trying to plan things for after he leaves to cheer me up. He's leaving right after my birthday so that's a bummer. And he has been acting weird about yet again getting me the one thing I want, a card or a letter. That's what I asked for on Valentine's Day and he got me gas station roses. I just want his words to give me comfort when I get sad or lonely or worried or whatever. I just want something to make me feel like this is real and what we have isn't just some phase in my adolescent life, because for once I feel like the guy I'm dating isn't a temporary fad or entertainment. I feel like he could be the real thing.

And I want to tell him how much I feel for him and that I am seeing the future, but I don't know if he is feeling the same way and don't want to overwhelm him so I say nothing. But then I fear he is doing the same thing and we are both just closing our feelings in. And it's not worth the gamble to mess up what we have. We are just too freaking similar sometimes, and too freaking different others. And I don't know.

I don't know and that's the worst part of all of this. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if we are going to work. I don't know if this is going to end up being worth all the struggle and fighting. And I don't know if all this freaking out will be for nothing. I just don't know anything. I don't. And it makes me even more sad and scared. And it makes me over think things.

And since I can't do anything in this aspect of my life I start trying to control others, and get nowhere. So then I feel even more upset, and I just want one thing I can control. Which leads me to thinking I am fat and need to stop eating again (which would make everyone upset because I have been very good for year). I just need something concrete, and I'm at a point in my life where so much is up in the air.

Fuck this. I'm going to try and get some sleep.