7 years ago he came into my life. In my weakest, darkest moment he, an adult man, told me how amazing I was; how mature and beautiful in his eyes. He offered me escape and I, a 12 years old girl and trapped in a wheelchair, willingly took it and believed his every word.
I was an easy victim. Young, naive, desperately hungry for love and attention. He took me to places away from other people and made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone where we were going. He knew I wouldn't run away: how could have I when I couldn't even walk far that time? I knew nothing about love and thought it meant giving someone the right to do what they wanted. I gave myself to him because I thought it was the only way to win his heart.
He begged me to open my eyes every time he touched me but I never did. I was too afraid he would see the fear in my eyes and I could see myself in his eyes as the person I had become - dirty and worthless. I kept my eyes closed and pretended I wasn't there so that he couldn't reach my soul like he had reached my body. It was my last way of fighting back: he could own my body and my soul but he couldn't make me look at him.
5 years later I met him again. I gathered my courage and told him how I still suffered from the pain he caused. He looked the same as the day he left me; so familiar, yet completely strange as he told me he couldn't apologize because he didn't think he had done anything wrong. Once again he broke me into pieces, took away my right to heal and leave it all behind. I blamed myself for it like I always had. How could I ever learn to love myself when in someone else's eyes I wasn't even worth apology?
Today I see the pain in my previous boyfriend's eyes every time he tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am and I don't believe him. I know how hard he wants me to see myself like he sees me. When he looks at me I feel the same fear inside as I did so many years ago: I'm afraid of opening my soul to him so that he sees how dirty and used I am. When I look myself in the mirror I still see the 12 year old girl who thought no one could ever really love her as the way she is.
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roosie started a blog post Long way to happyLong way to happy
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It took me years and years before I was able to understand that I was deserving of good relationships, and there was nothing wrong with me that caused it to happen. I'm OK now, but that didn't happen overnight. I let men use me for a long time, because I had no self-worth. I know better now, but it was a long road. You can do it too, you just have to take the first step, you are stronger than you think.
(PM me anytime if you need to talk about it)