I feel like I need to get this out of my chest. I'm sorry if it shocks someone.

I have been busy studying lately so when my mum asked me to come with them for a walk today, I was happy to get away for a while. She said we would go walking in the woods quite far away from our home (where I'm staying before going back to university on Monday.) I knew the trail was popular but I couldn't quite remember it because I hadn't been there for years so I didn't think much of it at first. On a way there, still quite far away from the trail, I realized that the road and the forest looked oddly familiar. Only then I realized where I was. It was the same forest where I was sexually abused several times for months by an adult man when I was 12 and 13 years old. As I listened to my family happily chatting away, I could feel the terror rising inside me. I could see all the images in my head again that I would rather forget.

Somehow my memories seemed more real now that I saw the places again, after all these years. In a way I had always felt like it happened to someone else, like I wasn't actually there. The very few people who knew about it, always wondered how I could talk about it so calmly. I realize now that I had probably divided myself into two people to protect myself: the child who had been hurt and the girl who I was afterwards, who had nothing to do with it. Returning there was hard in so many ways I can't even describe. It was even harder when we came back as it was already late and quite dark. I remembered the late evenings I spent in his cars and in the woods, so far away from any houses or people. I never saw anyone there. I was just a child so I thought it was normal for your boyfriend to take you away, to places where you couldn't contact anyone or no one would see you together. I accepted it that it was our secret. If he had killed me, no one would have heard me. Sometimes he would also drive 170 km/h (105 mph) just to scare me. In an area where elks crossed the roads on daily basis it was a deadly game.

One particular memory made me really sad, even though it was probably the least horrible of them. I remember being in the woods again, stepping out of the car and seeing all those stars in the sky. It was a chilly autumn night and I just stood there watching and wondering why the stars looked so different. I realize it now: the sky hadn't changed but I had. My childhood was over.

In a way it was also good to see the place. I have been doing so well lately, working on the issues I need to change and trying to understand that it was never my fault. I always thought I should have done something more, not just be quiet and keep my eyes closed and pretend I wasn't there. Now that I think about, not fighting back wasn't so bad idea after all when you are miles and miles away from anyone. My SO has always supported me and made me feel safe. He has been amazing and for him and for myself I hope that I can finally leave it all behind. More than ever before I feel like I can.