It has been quite a day. I started to feel really bad last night after my SO went to sleep. I started crying, shaking and hyperventilating and got scared that I was dying. I just couldn't calm down so I texted Chris and he woke up and called me. I managed to calm down a lot so he went back to sleep and I tried to relax. I've had these episodes many times before so I thought it was over but when I woke up in the morning it became clear that this time it wasn't going away. I just couldn't stop crying or get out of the bed: I had no energy to get dressed or go to school. Chris was leaving for Australia for a few days but he called me to see how I was doing and after listening to me for a while he told me to go to a student hospital.

At that point I realized I needed some help. I went to see a nurse first who sent me to another nurse who then sent me to a psychiatrist. I was amazed that they took it so seriously but I also must have looked quite bad because I was still shaking, I hadn't slept much and I had been crying for hours. I talked to a psychiatrist for a long time and she was very understanding and supporting. She said that my symptoms and the flashbacks I'm getting and also the nightmares I've been seeing every night for some time now are typical for post-traumatic stress disorder which got worse when I saw the place where I was abused as a child.

She got me another appointment for next Monday and told me I would keep seeing her until they can find me a therapist. She also said that I could come back any day before that if I felt like I couldn't survive alone. I'm glad I finally got some help and I hope that I can go through this. It feels harder because I don't really have friends in this city where I study and my friends and family are 600 kilometers away and my SO lives so far. I always thought that I was strong because I never wanted any help but I realize now that it takes a lot more courage to admit that you can't survive alone and need some help.

I've mostly been crying and sleeping today. I feel quite exhausted. I wish my SO was here but he is flying somewhere between Hong Kong and Australia now. He has helped me a lot and I hope that he can still put up with me and believe that it will get better. He is just amazing, I've never met anyone as patient as him. I don't know if this made any sense because I feel too tired to think clearly but I feel better after writing.