I didn't sleep almost at all last night. I've lost my appetite and I have panic attacks almost every day now. I understood something very important last night. I think I have to do some big changes. I absolutely hate living in this city. I enjoy studying but otherwise I'm really lonely and quite down all the time. I moved 600 km away from home a year ago and didn't really enjoy it the begin with but I always thought it would get better. I tried to go to parties, to meet new people, to try new things. This place has never felt like home and doubt it never will. It's harder with my disease because some days I can barely function and no one is here to help me.
I could go back home, get my own apartment in my home town and study there. The only problem is that I'm majoring in cultural history here and they only offer general history there so I don't know if I could change there without taking the entrance exam again next spring. At first I thought I would do my bachelor's here but is there really any point suffering for at least two more years if it doesn't seem to get better?
I used to be a happy, lively, active and social girl. No I feel like I'm an unhappy hermit complaining all the time. I want to feel better, for myself and for Chris because it's really putting strain on our relationship as well. I just don't know if I should still give this city a try.. To be honest I would like to finish this semester and move back after Christmas. I'm just afraid that I might regret it or feel like a failure because I couldn't survive here.
