I finally decided to leave Turku, the city I studied in, a few weeks ago. I wanted to transfer to another university in my hometown but I was told that they don't take transfer students anymore due to financial situation. At the moment I'm still trying my best to find a way to get there without taking the entrance exam again but until then (or until the entrance exam next spring) I will take book exams and online courses so I can study here at home. For once I'm happy that my major doesn't have money to hire teachers so more than half of my courses are independent self study courses anyway.
It was a very tough decision and I'm sure that many people don't understand it. I was one of nine people who were accepted to major in my subject in 2010 and because it's very hard to get into university in Finland, I was lucky to get straight in after graduating from high school. Still, I feel like this is the best decision I've ever made. I loved studying but living there made me really miserable. Not only because I was so far away from everyone I loved but also because I was very lonely there. I only had eight classmates and all of them had studied in an open university before (except one) so they never took any same lessons with me so I never knew anyone at classes and found it hard to meet people after school, even though I joined some groups.
I always thought that it would get better, one day I would feel like home there. It was sad but liberating to understand that it didn't. Of course I could have tried more but I think I still tried my best. It just wasn't for me. In the end it was more brave to admit it and leave than stay there and suffer for the next 5 years just because everyone expected me to do it. I feel a bit lost at the moment but also happier to be here as I'm slowly starting to recover from the breakdown and find the things I enjoy.
I don't regret any of it, I learned many important lessons. I sometimes saw my classmates at weekends when they invited us over to drink wine, listen to jazz or eat things that had fancy French names. I liked them but I always felt like an outsider: I was a lot younger and I was from North, which for Southerners means the same as ignorance and backwardness. One girl used to make fun of everything I said. I started to feel really worthless there and think that I was bad at everything until I realized that they weren't actually any better, despite how hard they tried to prove everyone they were. It was a mindblowing discovery: they were just as insecure as I was, just covered it better by pretending to be better. One of my friends even said: "We are the top elite and have to rule the mindless cattle because without us they couldn't live their meaningless lives." All I could think was: "I have to leave before I end up thinking that way. I could never live with myself if I thought like that." Suddenly I couldn't understand why I always felt so bad about being the person I was. Suddenly I just stopped caring what other people thought of me. It's more important how I feel about myself and i knew I wasn't happy with myself there.
I'm going to fly to Hong Kong on Sunday to spend a few weeks with my SO.
It's great to see him, he has been amazing.