Chris booked tickets for next month, he'll be here from 10th until 22nd. I'm so glad to have him here for that long. We are planning on going to Tallin (Estonia) or somewhere else for a weekend as well.

While I'm happy and excited about our forthcoming trip, I'm really worried about my brother. He had a psychotic breakout some time ago but hasn't really gotten any better since, despite a new medication. He turned 20 yesterday so I visited home today to wish him happy birthday and to see how he was doing. I knew something was up because my mum sounded really exhausted on the phone but I wasn't quite prepared to see my brother like that.. Mum told me that he has been very suicidal for the past three days so she hasn't been able to leave him out of her sight at all. My brother said that his thoughts are telling him to jump off the roof. I tried to tell him that those are not really his own thoughts but how do you talk someone out of suicide? Especially someone who has a history of delusional thoughts. Seeing the pain in his eyes really broke my heart, I felt so helpless.

When my mum dropped me off at my place, I collapsed. I can't bear the thought of losing him. I've been crying ever since, I'm scared out of my mind. He is going to see a doctor tomorrow because it has to be decided whether he should be hospitalized or not. His doctor wanted to take him in a few weeks ago but my mum refused because she thought it would be too much for him to take to be surrounded by much older patients with more serious issues. He has been hospitalized before but it would be the first time at the adults psychiatric unit. I don't really know, I just want him to get all the help he can to get better.

One day at a time, I'm trying to stay positive for him.