As posted in my previous blog I was having severe anxiety about a girl my boyfriend was speaking to. Following the advice of my friends and the LFADers who responded I prepared to speak to him again.

I knew going into it it was going to turn into a full blown argument. There was no way to avoid it. I had been dreading the conversation all day and had spent my time at work texting a friend and thinking about what I was going to say to him. When I got home I went into the bedroom to think some more before bringing it up. After about a half hour I got up and indicated I wanted to go for a short walk to talk. He came with, no arguments or asking why.

He knew what the conversation was about before we even left the house. That should have made it easier but it didn't. Anyway we walked and I relayed to him what was going on in my head. That the more they talked the more uncomfortable and anxious I was getting. I also made sure he knew I loved him and trusted him, but that I was not so trusting of her. I, for whatever reason couldn't bring myself to say, "I don't want you to talk to her anymore." I feel like it shouldn't be my place to say who he can and cannot talk to. Am I wrong to think that?

Anyway, he after I said my piece had absolutely nothing to say. NOTHING! We walked back to the house quietly and continued the evening as if nothing happened. That wasn't good enough for me. I reintroduced the topic a few hours later. That's when it got loud. This time he did most of the talking and I was silent. I think the one question I got out was "does she even know you have a girlfriend? (the answer was yes btw)". He said things like "I thought we were in a jealousy free relationship" (do those exist?) and "We were amazing friends for 5-6 years before we fucked it by by crossing that line". There was also a "She's bi-polar as fuck" thrown in there. As to why her conversations go from weepy and depressed to casual. I guess the most important thing he said was, "Baby I love you more than anything else in this world! I couldn't ever do something like that to you".

At that moment I started to feel like my insecurities had gotten the better of me here. Yes he had cheated in the past with her but it was on girls he was casually dating. He had a strand of relationships that lasted less then a 6 months. As far as relationships go, I am the most serious he's ever had. 2 years is his second longest relationship, and we have lived together for over a year. Maybe, just maybe I was overreacting. I didn't have much to add after all that he'd said to me. I needed to leave and think it over and I did. I stepped outside to smoke a much needed cigarette and replayed the conversation over again and again. I reached the conclusion that yes, he was at fault for disregarding my feelings, but I was was also in the wrong for reacting to things before they even happened. I think what tipped off this revelation was a text from my BFF telling me I should end it. I actually responded defending him...how the hell did that happen? I basically responded 'I think breaking up with him over something he hasn't and may not ever do is a little drastic'

I went back into the apartment to find him in bed already. He didn't even want to look at me, but I'm persuasive. I basically sat on the bed and I apologized for being so insecure and I didn't want to push him away. I told him I love him and the thought of anything coming between us kills me inside. Then I told him I would try my best to keep my insecurities in check. To my surprise he turned over and looked at me and said he would tell Kris he can't always be there for her. Meaning they would talk less. It wasn't cutting her off but it made me feel better that he was willing to do something to address my concerns. After that we both looked at each other and the shenanigans that typically take place when we relax in bed together took place. (No, not sex lol! We rough house and do our stupid little games....the sex came later that morning before he left for work. Then again when he came home from work: AKA right before I went to work lol!)

I'm feeling better about the whole thing, I know the situation isn't as I really wanted. It's not what everyone recommended the solution should be, but it works for me. I do trust him, and I really am trying not to be that crazy girlfriend to him. If I don't trust him here, I can't move forward in the relationship. So I choose trust.