Ever since this year started, I had this uneasy feeling about the fate of my LDR. After his trip to me in January, I realized that he's bound to get a job in states, and it will mean me moving over there. But the universe had different plans- he did get a job, but on island where there's no need for people with my education. What it means, it at least another year of being on distance.

And I'm not sure if I can do it.

I miss the romance, dates, physical contact, sharing life. I guess we've been long enough that keeping the romance over distance require effort that none of us want to make. I've become slightly depressed and overwhelmed with my upcoming graduation, job and apartment search, knowing that I'm starting my life alone. He's miles away busy with his stuff, but living less stressful life.

All in all I lost all interest in sharing my life with him, since I feel like I won't be able to stay in this LDR for much longer. Which in turn makes me want to share less with him. Truly a vicious circle and I have no will-power to break it.

But it's been now 3 months, or maybe even more since I realized I'm in relationship that I don't want. I'm not getting what I want and need.

I read somewhere very smart words on break-ups: "We mourn loss of the relationship we wanted to have, or imagined that we can get, not the relationship that we had". Which is super true, since I won't be sad by leaving LDR. I'll be sad about leaving the future and relationship we could have in x time.

Oh wow, that was super long and depressing, but I actually made me fell a little better. Maybe I should make a habit of writing my own blog/diary, instead of boring my friends with the same story or holding it all in