Old paranoias are rearing their ugly heads hard today.

In the last week, friends in my life have been finding out about being cheated on. My best friend's husband confessed that he cheated on her with a few different people.. once right after they became exclusive while dating, and twice while on a trip to the US for a few months the summer before their winter wedding. Another close friend found out his boyfriend has been cheating on him off and on for the past 3 years of their 8 year relationship.

This sucks for my friends, and they're now struggling with some difficult decisions, and I'll be there for them however I can, and without making it about me.

But, since they aren't here, I can indulge the selfish side that's about me here. :P

My SO is at a conference this week, and of COURSE this has to be a conference where his female friend that I'm a little uneasy with attends, too. (They're in similar fields for work.) She's that one friend that I just feel like has a thing for him. I try to remind myself that even if she does, that doesn't mean she gets to be with him, because he's with me.

Now, he told me she would be there, he told me about how she has a hotel with a mutual friend and he's crashing at home during the conference and driving in, and he's been very open about the details that he does know about his plans. He's aware that this girl makes me a little uncomfortable, so he's really good about making sure I don't get blindsided by her showing up to stuff and me finding out by seeing a random comment on Twitter or something. So I appreciate that he makes it not seem like he's hiding stuff, and being very transparent.

He's sent me a couple texts from the conference, and a couple emails when he gets home at night.

And I've been *so good* about not being paranoid, about not dwelling on this girl being there, about just trusting. Until all this stuff happened with my friends. And then it was like bam. It just brings back memories of being cheated on.

I'm also pretty tired, I haven't slept great this week. So it's like the perfect storm for jealousy and worry. Being tired = lowered resilience/less positive mindset, hearing stories of people cheating when I really never would have expected it from these particular friends' partners, and my SO being at a conference where we don't get much contact, with the one female friend of his that I think has a thing for him and is too flirty.

But I'm stopping and taking a breath, and keeping busy. I had some good plans this week, and I have more this weekend. (The conference already ended, but a few colleagues [and the girl] are in his town for the rest of the weekend, so he's hanging out with them and I won't get time to catch up with him til Sunday most likely.)


This is the problem with past-betrayal, right here. The ways it shows up, uninvited, for no particularly good reason. My friends' SOs are not my SO, and there's no reason to doubt him now just because of them.
Not to mention that my SO is being sensitive to my worries and my feelings, as he always is. I need to remember that, in the paranoid moments.

The ways that you think you've moved past the old betrayals, and find out that sometimes you still haven't quite. It's kinda crazy.

So, more work to do in the "moving on" process.
But, on the upside, it does make me realized how far I've come. Previously, I'd have been stressing day in and day out, or sending paranoid texts demanding information or passive aggressively trying to get more hints that a partner misses me.

Now, I'm stressing a little bit, briefly. Long enough for a post. :P
But not being paranoid overly, not dwelling on it for too long, and keeping myself busy so that when I do get his texts or emails, it's just a nice, fun, smiley thing instead of wondering why it didn't happen sooner as I waited for it.

Okay.
So yeah.
Breathe.