6 months after my ex, Rich, and I moved in together I met unclecharley.

Our relationship was bad at that time. I had tried to break up with him many, many times, but he would either threaten to kill himself or make me pity him to stay with him. I knew in my heart I didn't want to be with him, but there was no way to break up with him. He knew how to control me, he knew how to make me give up anything I loved to do, to only serve him. I gave up playing the guitar, because it was too noisy. I gave up wearing skirts and make up, because god forbid someone could think I was pretty. He kept me inside and wouldn't let me talk to anyone so no one could take me away from him. He made me feel like no one would ever love me and I am lucky to have him. He thought we were destined to be together. I didn't like being with him.

Rich would tell me what game I can play and what game I can't play and to minimize the possibility of me talking to another male player we would play on his own server that would only have him and me, and bots. You can imagine how much joy this gave me. But there was this one game I loved: Zombie Panic! Source. It was the only game I could play for hours without getting bored and I loved the community and all the people I met through this game. He tried to forbig me to play it, but for once this was something I didn't want to give up to make him happy.

Then unclecharley joined my game.

While I was trapped in a relationship I knew would eventually lead to a wedding and an unhappy marriage, he thought no one would ever love him. He thought at 31 he was out of luck and would never get to feel "in love". He was worthless and would end up alone.

I would entertain the whole server. It was something that I enjoyed to do and that the people enjoyed to listen to. I was a female player that would not crave attention, but just act like all the other boys and they loved it. I also had a funny accent so when I rolled my Rs people would go crazy for it.
He was on vacation for a week and he wanted to play a game he hasn't played in a long time so he tried Zombie Panic! Source and joined this random server that he normally wouldn't join, since he had to download the map, but something drew him to join.

This noise was the first thing he heard of me. He was enchanted by my voice. The first day we played together I didn't even pay attention to him. He was a new player like many that day so I just casually talked to him for a bit and then went to bed at 3am since I was playing on an american server.
It was only 9pm for him so he stayed hoping I would come back. I didn't, so he decided he would come back every day to find out more about him.

A couple days after we first met he would we started to talk more and more on the server and added each other to our friendlist. The first couple days I would not message him and just play with him when I wanted to play, but he wanted to get to know me better so we started talking. He used his mic for the very first time and would join teamspeak with me so we could talk while playing, but we ended up talking about everything else too.

Rich and I stopped eating meals together and sometimes I didn't even bother going to bed with him.
Meanwhile charley and I talked for hours non-stop, about everything and anything. I noticed how I kept talking about him to Rich all the time. I didn't realize how much I fell for him already until I noticed that getting a message from him was much more exciting than watching TV with Rich on the couch. A simple "what are you doing still up? go to bed" got me more excited than sitting next to the guy I have been dating for 4 years. Then Rich asked me if I told him that I was taken. Of course I didn't. I liked this guy and I didn't want him to leave me. Rich would insist on me telling him, so I did. I hated it, but I told him and he said he had no such intentions and we just kept talking and having fun.

Then one day we talked about depression and our shared fear of darkness. I have been depressed half my life and to be able to share it with someone who would understand it felt amazing. I didn't even have to explain it to him. He just understood. This is where he fell for me. He sent me a poem that he wrote about us (that we're going to read to each other at the wedding):



He asked me if I would have chosen him if I didn't already have a boyfriend and my heart knew it was yes, but Rich came to check on my messages and made me say no. I knew I broke his heart, but I had to keep my boyfriend happy.
He felt as worthless as he felt before. Even if I didn't have a boyfriend, he wouldn't be good enough. He felt heart broken and was back to feeling as no one could ever love him.
This night I didn't sleep. I got up early to send him a message he would read before going to work explaining the situation and saying that I would have chosen him, but he came too late and my future was determined. He would forever stay my soulmate, but not my boyfriend. He understood and we kept talking like friends.

Then one night he said I can't treat him like a puppet. I can't have the best of both worlds and he has to do what is best for him. I told him he is right. I will never leave Rich and I can't hog him when there is someone out there for him. We agreed we would not play the game anymore, would leave our gaming community and delete each other off Steam to never talk to each other. I knew this was good for him. I wanted him to be happy, more than anything else. And then it hit me.
He wants to leave me. How can he be so selfish. How can he say he loves me if he can leave me so easily. I was mad. I was furious. Most of all, I was hurt. I told him I hope he is miserable and I hope he will miss me. I just couldn't understand that he would give up so easily.
At this point he knew I loved him, even before I knew. He knew I got so spiteful, because I didn't want him to leave. The next 6 sentences that got exchanged between us I cherrish in my memory, this was the turning point:

Him: If you don't want me to leave, you have to say it.
Me: I don't want you to leave.
Him: You can't say it, can you?
Me: If I say I love you as a friend, will you stay?
Him: yes
Me: I love you as a friend

This happened a months before we started dating. At this point we have established our feelings for each other and started to plan for the future, but I was still scared of leaving Rich. I was scared he would kill himself. He never pressured me into talking to Rich, he was always there to help me find my self-esteem and courage to face him. I remember he said that he doesn't want me to do anything I don't want to do, but he is secretly hoping I would break up with him so we could start going out and he is awaiting that message that says "I left him". This was the kick I needed.
Rich and I talked for hours and then agreed that I would move back to my parents. I was sad It was hard to see him so sad, but we both knew it was for the best. He didn't love me and I didn't love him.

I moved back into my old room, hooked up my computer and sent him the message he has been waiting for: "I left him".

This is how our story began!