A good friend of mine wanted to kill himself yesterday.
I kinda need to vent about it and hope you forgive me.

I think the reason that this got me so upset to the point where I was crying out of anger, besides the obvious, was that I see so much of myself in him.

I met him a couple years ago, also on Zombie Panic, and we noticed that we had a lot in common. Mostly the dark, very depressing things.

We both have been depressed for a good portion of our lives. We both had eating disorders and we both liked to express this by cutting. I did it on my left arm, he did it on his left leg and we both had suicidal thoughts.

When I asked him today, why he didn't talk to me, when he knows I won't judge him, because I have been through the same things, he said it is the same reason why he doesn't tell anyone that he is cutting himself: they would try to stop him. And even that I understand.

I think what I really want to say is..
I feel guilty for not noticing it. I feel guilty for not knowing how bad it has become. I told him I kept asking about his life and was curious what was going on, but he would lie to me. I feel guilty for not trying to dig deeper behind his words, find out if what he said is the truth and it makes me so mad at myself for being so ignorant.

I guess it has a positive side too: now I understand how my parents, my siblings and even my fiancé felt, when they found out I was cutting, when they found out I was depressed, anorexic and felt worth nothing and had suicide on my mind..