A couple weeks before I had to leave charley for the last time we had a moment. Friends from our gaming community sent us caps and they asked us to take pictures of us in them, because they wanted to sell the couple that they made extra. Basically no problem right?
I took the camera and took a couple pictures of myself, selfie-style. I showed them to my man and he told me that he doesnt like them, because I either look cross-eyed, too serious, blablablabla so he took the camera off my hand and wanted to take pictures himself.
Now here is my problem: I get really insecure and nervous when someone else is taking a picture of me, because I don't know what I look like. And my man figured out the other reason: I think of myself that I am actually ugly, not only ugly, but hideous. When he said "You're not ugly, do you think you're ugly?" I started to cry, because I do think so.

Now today when I was walking past the bridal shop again and looking at all the beautiful gowns I kept thinking that I am too fat to ever fit into a dress AND look beautiful. I feel like I am too fat for a regular size dress (which I am realistically not, since I am a 12). I watch a lot of "Say yes to the dress" and I watched some episodes with plus size brides and almot all of them found a dress that made them look beautiful. Then it struck me: they found a dress that made them look beautiful, because they are beautiful. They have a beautiful face and a beautiful smile and I have none of that. I have in fact a very long face with a very high forehead that makes me look awkward. I also havea crooked tooth that I got from an operation when I was 11 and my dentist noticed that I had too many teeth so they had to take them out, but my mouth is too small to fit the new teeth in. All my life I was told by my mom that I should not smile, because people could see my crooked tooth and it is ugly. It was ingrained in myself so much that before charley and I came together I actually told him that this tooth is something that I have to warn him about, because it could make him not like me anymore.
Now my man has been amazing about this whole issue and I have to say that he is trying to make me feel beautiful and pretty - he was the first person who said that my tooth makes my smile actually look charming and he kissed my tooth on our first visit to show me that he means it.
But if all your life you have been put down like that you just don't have enough self-esteem to think of yourself as pretty or beautiful. This is one thing that really keeps me from going dress shopping. I fear I will try dresses and my mom is going to say that I look ugly or I will just feel ugly myself.

I keep trying to tell myself that I am not ugly or hideous and sometimes it works and I think to myself "I can see why he would think I am pretty", but most of the time I think of myself as not good enough. I know I have to get rid of this attitude or I will never find a dress or happiness.