Yesterday my man and I had a pow wow.

It all started with me asking for help, because I was once again struggling with anorexia. I have worked with him on it for almost two years now and I feel more and more confident in what I do, but then there's set backs that bring my mindset right back where it was 7 years ago, when all of this started (maybe I will talk about how it started in another blog post).
The recent set back was, when I was sick a couple weeks ago. I had a high fever and some sort of stomach bug that caused me to get nauseous whenever I drank or ate anything - even water or bread - so for 3 days straight I didn't eat anything but a couple bites of bread and drank a couple sips of water just to help myself get better. This caused me to lose almost 7 pounds within 5 days. And all the progress I had made was gone - back to thinking that if I don't eat I will lose weight.
I know that's not true and I know that I have to force myself to eat, but it got really hard. Ever since then I was fighting this feeling, but it made me not eat anything before work - I leave home at noon - take a piece of fruit to work and eat the smallest portion of dinner I could eat without worrying my mom, which was pretty much nothing. Then I started to feel guilty, because I know that's not how I should be behaving and started to binge eat anything I could find just to get some calories in - rinse and repeat for weeks.

I told my man that this was happening and I needed his help, because I just couldn't help myself anymore. This started a 2 hour conversation, where he wanted me to realize it's not the food that is my enemy, but that I need to stay active and work out to lose weight. It took a lot of time to get through to me. He tried to reason with me, tried to tell me that working out would be good for me, but all I could think of was how I walked every day for HOURS and did exercises for half an hour PLUS 50 sit ups EVERYDAY and I didn't lose any weight. My body got much more tone and it looked much better, but I wouldn't even acknowledge this fact - that's how caught up in this stupid mindset I was.

He then took charge and told me what I'm gonna do:
Run 2km every day, eat healthy and atleast 1000kcal, do 2 different sets of exercises and do 100 sit ups - no whining, no excused - for 30 days. I have to listen to my body and not overwork myself, stop when my body needs to rest and don't hurt myself in the process.
If nothing changed he will never ever make me do any of that ever again, but if I do lose weight I have to integrate this into my life. I agreed.

So today was my first day of this new fitness training and I liked it so far. I did 59 sit ups before work and did my two exercises - one for legs and one for arms. When I came home I changed into sweatpants, grabbed a water and ran 2.5km in 29 minutes - in no way is that good at all, but it is a start. I did 5 more sit ups when I came home from running, but my back really hurt when I did it so I stopped.

I really hope I see change after those 30 days. Running really makes me feel good and I love to run, I always loved to run. Let's hope running makes me lose some weight so I can finally stop worrying about eating.