This is the third attempt to write this blog.

On Thursday I had a mental breakdown and ever since then, things are more present and are harder to ignore.

It started with coming home after a pretty good afternoon - I found something my husband had been wanting for a while in a store and I bought some silly gummy candy that I shared with my family over whatsapp and just had a generally good time - then I received an email from my supervisor that said we needed to talk about "this afternoon's issues" tomorrow.

And I just couldn't do it anymore. Why would she send me this cryptic email having me worry about what possibly could have happened and completely ruin my day? I thought the worst - a kid got hurt, a staff hurt a child, someone made a major mistake, etc, however, I had no way of finding out what happened until the next day so I was stuck worrying.

My husband and I were talking about our somber state and how we had been content just doing our own things and didn't really do much together. I said I was sad that we had not spent much time with each other lately and that I missed that and it ended with me crying and wondering how I got where I was where every step I take is filled with worry and anxiety.

To cut this short, I literally worry about everyone and everything all the time and now that I know it and said it out loud, it feels like a fight every single second of the day to leave worry behind, especially when I have no influence on the outcome. I want to be able to relax and my husband says the biggest issue is probably that I never let my self just REST and RELAX and he has a point but now I get anxiety because I just CAN'T relax and I should be able to.

Not all is bad though.
My husband has been extra sweet ever since and checks in with me a lot to help me feel better. I think he partly thinks it's his fault, but I have had anxiety ever since I was a little girl, I just got stripped of all my (unhealthy) coping mechanisms which leaves me with stuffing it down.
I have been accepting myself a little more. I am not at my ideal weight or anything, but I have Harlequin's words in my mind whenever I take a selfie now that say I should keep the bad ones to help with self-confidence. I'm 29, I don't look young anymore, but I look like me, so I post them unedited on instagram to help with that.
I deleted the mail app off my phone. I can't worry at home about work stuff and try and fix things when I'm not on the clock. It's destroying me and I removed it.

This is all jumbled because I want to share more but I also don't think it belongs on here. This is for Long Distance struggles and not my own personal ones.

All in all, I'm okay. I am working through 20 years of anxiety and am repairing relationships with my family and friends that I had been to scared to touch for a long time. I just wish I could stop worrying about everything and try to fix everyone's problems.

Harlequin, thanks for being in my life, you don't know how much you have helped just by being you.
Moon, thanks for believing in me and giving me self-confidence.
Emsimes, thanks for being a positive voice in my life.
Ejoriah, thanks for being you, you give me hope.