So now that work has caused my sleep schedule to completely flip I'm awake at 3am I figured I'd blog.

Anyway, the job is good, I work at a snackbar in a bowling alley which I thought would be easier than it is but we actually make a ton of food! I'm also pretty much friends with everyone I work with so that's nice. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to make friends, a lot of people seem to have random reasons to hate me, it's been that way since elementary school. The hours like I said totally messed with my sleeping. Since I do closing shifts I usually don't get home until about 1:30am and although I'm usually physically tired I'm not mentally tired till around 4am. This schedule also means I have about maybe an hour to talk to my SO all day which sucks. He used to work closing shifts too but they moved him to open so now he's at work while I'm asleep and I'm at work while he's asleep.

Today was super hectic, there were tons of people and a million things to do but I handled it alright for a noob. (who officially finished training today!) The one thing I love about my job so far is that it's laid back enough where I don't feel the need to be totally stressed out about working. My first job had me so anxiety ridden that I felt like I wanted to puke all day before I went in. Now I only have a mild anxious-ness but I think that's just how I'm wired.

Things on the relationship front have been better. The other day I logged onto my SO's facebook to play some games that weren't loading on mine when my gut started telling me I needed to check his messages. And of course the first girl's name I click on after a tiny scroll I see flirtatious messages talking about sending sexual pictures and what seemed like webcam time as well. This is the second time I've found stuff like this and I was crushed instantly. At least when I found stuff the first time it was a year old and although we were dating at the time it appeared to have stopped so I let it slide. This time though? It was as recent as April.

I asked him about it after I calmed down a little bit and he tried to make it seem like it was my fault for violating his trust and that he didn't know what I was talking about because he wasn't at a computer and went to sleep. In the morning he seemed to have calmed down enough to realize he was in the wrong and we began talking about it. This time when I asked him why and with a little coaxing he admitted that doing these things was a huge ego boost for him. He's never been the best looking or most popular guy so I guess knowing that he can get these girls to do stuff for him makes him feel better about himself. Then I really opened up to him and told him that I felt like he didn't try as hard for our relationship as I do and that he takes my giving easy-going nature for granted. He agreed and promised that he would try to put more effort in like when we first began dating and hopefully he'll become the guy I fell in love with again. We haven't really had much time to talk after that though.

After all of this though and even knowing why my SO cheated my self esteem is now at rock bottom. I've never been very comfortable with myself to begin with and now I have thoughts of not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough etc etc. And I'm constantly worrying my SO will realize that I'm not enough for him and find someone else. I don't know what I'd do without him to be honest, he's been such a huge part of my life for almost 4 years now it seems as though without him there will be a complete...silence.

On another completely sucky note I don't even know the next time we'll be able see each other, most likely it'll be while I'm on winter break so end of December early January. That sucks, with all that's happened I could really use some physical reassurance that I am what he wants.