This blog is friends-only because it's personal on a level that doesn't concern me directly.

It's about my boyfriend's eldest brother. He is a great guy. I always tease Timo by saying that Tommi is by far the handsomest in the family, and he actually agrees with me. My SO and I got together a month after Tommi married his girlfriend. They had been living together for two years, and supposedly they fought a lot, but that's what their relationship was like. She had a chronic illness, an immune system-related condition that made her miserable, she in turn made other people miserable because of it. At least that's what Timo told me; I'm not criticizing her or anything. I never got to meet her. The first time I went to visit my in-laws (Easter 2010) was also the first time I met Tommi, and it was in rather awkward conditions.

My boyfriend and I had been to Turku that day so we got back home rather late, and he was there, in the living room, but he was lying down and their mother didn't want me to see him just then. She took us to the kitchen and started crying, saying that Minna (Tommi's wife) was doing worse and that the doctors didn't think she'd make it. We went downstairs because we wanted to give Tommi some privacy. Later he came down to see me, when he was a bit more composed, and we chatted a bit and he was super nice. He said his wife was sorry she couldn't come because she would have liked to meet me, and I said hopefully another time she will.

She died in July. I couldn't attend the funeral because my visa had expired. It was a very difficult time for everyone. I have this very sad picture, a black and white shot taken by a cousin, of Tommi sitting in the church, facing the white coffin, and you can only see his back but you can feel that he's crushed.

We started talking on facebook chat from time to time, and eventually, a few months after he confessed to me that he had met someone new. I was pretty happy about it, as was his mother. At first I thought he just needed someone to help him get over his grief, but it got quite serious. He introduced me (and his extended family as well) to his new girlfriend, Jaana, in the summer of 2011. I immediately liked her, for many reasons. Well, I won't go into too many details of their private life, but basically she is divorced, with two teenage sons, and the boys get along really well with Tommi.

This year they bought a house and moved in together. I was there when the move took place, last June, so I could help them a bit with that. I had never seen Tommi so happy, so I wasn't surprised to hear, just a week ago, that they had gotten engaged. I'm really happy for them and wish them the best. However...

... I am really bothered by the fact that Tommi didn't get his first wife a headstone. Last summer I went to the graveyard with Timo and his mother, to put some flowers on Minna's grave, and there it was, just a stick in the ground with a number (23) attached to it, a few candles and flowerpots scattered around. Timo says it's his mother who takes care of those. Tommi hasn't been there in a long time. That made me so sad I started to cry, which is silly because I never met the deceased. I guess I tried to put myself in her stead; if I died before my husband I would like him to properly take care of me in that way. I wouldn't want to feel like he didn't care anymore. Of course, I would be dead, so it wouldn't matter to me, no more than it matters to Minna. It's stupid, but it's how I felt.

So I still have a problem with that. Tommi and Jaana are getting married, and Minna 's grave still doesn't have a headstone. I really want to make clear that I am thrilled for him, that he really deserves all the happiness in the world after all he's been through, after his struggle, his depression... But somehow it doesn't feel right. Somehow I feel like he owes it to her to at least take care of this one last thing before he turns the page.

Timo agrees with me on this, as does his mother (she doesn't know that, I never dared raised the subject with her), but of course no one will talk to Tommi about it. And as much as I would wish to bring it up, I won't. It still makes me cry sometimes when I think about it, and the purpose of this thread is to vent a little.

To conclude on a less depressing note, I did get all the marriage-related papers in order and mailed them. Timo is having them translated this week, and I'll keep my fingers crossed that the marriage license application will go through. Wish me luck.