Who cares about unemployment figures??

Hey guys.

No major update here. Just wanted to write a bit to get my thoughts into order.

I still haven't come out to my mother, so to speak. I had resolved to give her the letter last Sunday (well, rather text her to tell her where she can find it) but then I realized I had forgotten she was going to be working this week. She is a retired high school English teacher but still works for one week every month, teaching employees at the national gas company. Anyway, it's a 8 am-4 pm job and we usually leave home together and also get back there around the same time, so it would be difficult for me not to be there when she is reading it. And I don't want her to read it at work and have a possible break-down in front of her students. So anyway, I had decided on next Sunday.

And then stupidly realized it's Mother's Day here. I can't do that to her on Mother's Day, can I? So the tentative date for now is next Monday. It's still a very crappy follow-up-to-Mother's Day, but I can't stall this forever. I mean of course I'm horribly tempted to just forget about it. I feel good right now. The threat of that one guy's marriage proposal seems like a distant memory (though I really shouldn't think that, because that's what I was doing when my mother came to my room that one night), my mother is no longer mad at me... I guess she needs me too much to afford not speaking to me. I am her confidante, you see. She unloads on me about what's bothering her on a daily basis. So she might have been quite upset when I turned down the idea of even meeting that guy, but then she got over it, I suppose.

So as I said, I could just forget about it for now and just focus on my (hopefully) up-coming trip to Finland, and I really want to do that, but I don't think it would be wise. I have made the decision, I have taken appropriate measures for it, and I have written the letter and sealed it in an envelope. I shouldn't back-pedal now. I'm kinda looking forward to it, to be honest. In a way. It will mean that I'll no longer feel guilty whenever my mother and I are talking, thinking that I'm deceiving her, lying to her. I won't miss that part of my life.

But at the same time I feel awful about what I expect her reaction will be. She is going to be devastated, and it'll be my fault, and I'll be made to feel like crap. Look, I know what you're thinking, and I'm thinking it too: This is my life, and it's my happiness that's at stake. I can't set it aside just to please my mother, and I know that I'm not doing anything wrong. It's love, it's commitment and it's a life together. I'm not about to rob a bank or kill someone. I know all this. But years and years of social conditioning can't be shrugged off just like that. I still feel like an utter jerk, sometimes. Obviously I need to work on that. I just wish there was a way for me to be happy and keep my parents happy, but in the end, this is entirely their problem, right? :/ Deep down I can't help but hope that my mother's love for me will be enough to sway her, eventually. But it's a dangerous line of thinking because I might be cruelly disappointed.

Now, Monday will be the 27th of May. My trip is planned for the 17th of June. I'm hoping that three weeks will be enough for her to get over the shock of the news and at least be able to have some kind of dialogue about it. I'm not planning on telling her that I'm traveling right away. I usually let her know about my trips about two weeks before, and as I'm playing the business trip card one more time, no reason for me to tell her before I give her the letter. I'm hoping she'll keep it to herself and not tell my father, because that might prove problematic. But I think I know her enough to know that she won't do it until she's certain she can't make me change my mind.

I also considered giving her the letter on the day I fly to Finland, but that would be too dramatic, I think. I would be out of her reach, and she's going to start imagining all kinds of wild scenarios. That can't end well. No way she would keep it from my father then. And she will be worried I wouldn't come back. I want to reassure her first of my intention. After all I'm only staying for a week in Finland.

Now, about that trip, I'm thrilled to announce (lol) that I got my visa today.


I'm still amazed at how quickly it was issued. I had my appointment on May 12th while the consulate was still on strike (they ended it two days later.) There were so many people, you wouldn't believe it, and 80% of those people couldn't get in, even though they had an appointment, because the visa agency had received instruction not to let in people applying for tourism or family visit visas. Thankfully, the person I know managed to get me an appointment for a business visa (I didn't even have the invitation letter to back it up, but apparently it didn't matter). I had an appointment at 10 am and ended up getting in at 12. Oh well, it was all for a good cause. So anyway, on May 16th I got a text message saying my passport was ready! It was going to be delivered by Fedex, and I now regret having paid the equivalent of 13 euros for the express delivery because it took them until today to do it. But I won't let myself be too upset about that because as you can see in the photo, it's valid for two years!!! And that's 90 days per 6 months, too. I think it's safe to say I will never again have to apply for a Schengen short-stay visa

Okay, I wanted to end on a positive note. Will write more as the situation evolves!