So here I am, back at work again. I really want to type out everything so I can make sense of things. I hope I manage to do that.
For starters, my first encounter with my mother. It was... sad. And awkward. She hadn't called me all day, but around 3 pm I got a call from my younger sister saying she had called her and talked to her in weak voice, accusing her of knowing all along. My sister denied it and feigned surprised and it was apparently a short call. I was really dreading going home after that, but I had no choice but to face the consequences of my decision.
They weren't as bad as I thought. When we got there I greeted her with a kiss on the cheeks as I always do, and she seemed subdued. She left me alone for a long time (probably because my father was there and she didn't want him to suspect anything.) It was a bit nerve-wrecking, pretending everything was fine when clearly it wasn't, but I tried to distract myself by watching some TV shows on my laptop, locked in my room. Initially when I got there, I noticed that the beds (there are two) seemed a bit untidy, so I suspect she looked under the mattresses and possibly went through the drawers where my things are, maybe looking for something related to the revelation. Or possibly my passport. But of course, she couldn't find anything. I learned a very long time ago never to leave anything incriminating in our apartment :/
Around 8 pm, when my father went out to hang out with some neighbours, she came to my room, sat on my bed and just broke down. She cried a lot, and she was hugging me very tightly while doing it. She said some things which weren't very coherent, but it allowed me to have a look inside her mind. It went from "I'm so devastated" to "This family is going to go through a horrible time" to "I'm so scared that you are so attached to this man that you will close yourself to any other opportunity that presents itself and that you'll see other men as empty shells" to "What are we going to do now?" to "I can't talk about this right now" to "Please don't do this" to "I don't want to lose my daughter". I told her she would never lose me. But I don't think anything I said could get through to her. So I just held her tight and let her cry. I couldn't cry myself, though I felt like it.
She also said something else that made me very, VERY sad, and I hope she gets over it and takes it back. A few months ago, one morning, she told me "I have a bad feeling. Like something terrible is going to happen soon." It freaked me out, because, well, I was planning on telling her soon about Timo. And then my aunt's husband passed away. When it happened I remembered what she had said. Well, apparently it never left her mind, because yesterday evening she was like "I knew that my bad feeling wasn't just about my sister's husband." It hurt and I got a bit angry. How can she compare the passing of a dear relative, leaving a bereaved family behind him, taking us all by surprise and shock, to me wanting to marry a foreigner? I told her that, but she wasn't really listening.
After she left my room, well, it all went back to "normal". We had dinner all together, and she was interacting normally with me. I was feeling a bit awkward, though. I texted my SO to let him know how things were and went to bed.
This morning, I got some more information about how things went, from conversations with my sisters. Well, apparently she did faint, but thankfully she didn't hit herself on the way down, then she went to bed and re-read the letter five times. I was a bit surprised at that. I honestly didn't even think she would finish it.
Later that day, when my eldest sister stopped by to pick up my nephew, my mother still acted as if everything was alright. So my sis just plainly told her that I had told them everything. My mother broke down then. She also had a conversation with my younger sister (whom she knows to be the closest to me). This transpired:
- She is scared to death because I'm an adult and I'm very stubborn, so if it had been any other of her daughters, she would have had hope that she could sway her, but not me.
- She is very scared that I might just take off, even though I said in the letter I wouldn't.
- The news might kill my father. She can't even bring herself to thinking about telling him.
- How could it have gone on since 2009 without me telling her about it?
- Even if they manage to make me give him up, she is devastated because she knows that I will refuse to marry anyone else.
- What will people think??
- Why can't her daughters have "normal relationships and marriages" like everyone else?
- How can one trust a foreigner when there's no way to verify anything about his life? It's hard enough to do that with a local.
- She feels very sorry for me. She is torn because she loves me and wants me to be happy, but the price is too great.
- When she got my SMS she was very happy because she thought I was going to talk to her about a local boyfriend. It's kind of a tradition in our family. When my sister came out to her about her boyfriend, she wrote her a letter too. That was very hard to hear for me, because I feel cruel for doing this.
I'm sure there are other things, but I can't remember everything for now. I might update the list later, for reference's sake.
This morning, I kissed her goodbye as I went to work, as usual, and she hugged me tight and said things that I'm not quite sure I heard well. Something like "please reconsider" or "think about this".
So how do I feel about all this? Well, understandably, I feel very sad. I wish I didn't have to cause her so much pain. It breaks my heart to see her like this. I can't help but feeling guilty about this.
At the same time, I feel relieved because now it's out there. And to be honest, I'm a bit encouraged by her reaction. I know it's very premature to think this, but something in her thinking process makes it sound like she realizes that she'll have to give in at some point. I mean, when she was talking to my eldest sister she actually said "Well, remember your cousin? (who married a Turk and they both live here. It took them a couple of years to be able to tie the knot because it's very difficult for an Algerian woman to marry a foreigner here. Lots of bureaucracy involved) If they want to get married they'll go through hell!" Well, we won't because my cousin didn't have the option to get married abroad. And I'm already married, so all I have to do is register my marriage at the embassy. Of course I won't say anything about that for now, but the key here is that she considered our marriage.
So now I have to face the storm. What she told me this morning made it clear that she will do her utmost to make me change my mind. I'll have to be gentle but firm. Easier said than done, but yeah. I'm not really in a hurry for her to tell my father. I want her to get used to the idea first. If I tell my father and my mother isn't on board, then I have no hope of convincing him ever (chances of that are already very slim)
Other than that, I have to consider my options. I have applied for the residence permit over three months ago, and as I said before, when I get it I will need to move before the halfway mark of the permit's validity (one year, so I have to be in Finland before the first six months are over). Since I'm not convinced I'll be able to move in time, and after asking immigration what would happen if I didn't (they were a bit vague, saying that it might cause problems in renewing it, but I don't know if it means it will be refused, or if I can appeal or if I'll have to go back to my country) I'm thinking my SO should maybe get in touch with an immigration lawyer to discuss what the real risks are and what our options are. I'll talk to him about it today.
I'll get back to you later. Thanks for reading
Thanks for keeping us updated. Sending good thoughts. We're here for you!