Title is the (Beatles) song I'm listening to as I'm starting this post.

I figured I'd write a little bit more to put my ideas in order.

So, nothing has really happened since I last wrote. Well, I did type up the letter I'm going to give my mother as an answer to hers, so there's that. So far I completed four pages, and I think it's pretty much finished. There are a couple of thoughts that I wanted to include, which usually run around my head at night when I'm trying to sleep, but whenever I open up the file, they either disappear, or I find myself unable to express them, or I get distracted by a game of Zuma Deluxe because really, I don't want to do this. Oh well.

Things at home are still the same. Mother talks to me when she feels like it (mostly when she can't talk to my other sisters about her issues) about trivial things, and keeps talking to my sisters about me. Last I asked, she is still confident she will make me change my mind but she's counting on them to help. She told them to make sure I get "no false hope about the outcome of this situation." I imagine that the fact that she didn't hear anything from me in almost a week probably made her think that I had been swayed by her letter. I feel bad about that, but honestly, I couldn't be bothered with responding right away.

So let's try and sum up the letter a bit: I defended LDR's of course, saying that they were every bit as real as "normal" relationships, but I'm sure she won't care for that. I talked a bit about how stereotypes based on race/nationality are a silly idea (nicely, of course). I tried to talk a bit about Timo (and his family) but again, why would she care for it? He's just an evil concept to her. I also raged (politely) against the idea that some relative's opinion must determine the way I lead my life, but I might as well be writing in Japanese. I explained that my main purpose was never to leave the country and live elsewhere, and that I would have liked it just as much to live my whole life here if I had met the right person, but I am in love with a human being. His place of birth have nothing to do with my feelings for him and the nature of our relationship, but again, why bother? Also threw in some religious bullshit, as that might appeal to her, but lately I realized that mother only leans on religion when it suits her personal convictions.

I tried my best not to sound like I was addressing all her argument and trying to convince her that they were wrong. The main point of the letter was "I get it but this is how I feel." Also, I made it as clear as possible that I could not break up with him just because she asked nicely. I told her that I was fine with her not wanting to tell my father, and I wasn't going to bring it up with him either (I value my own life, as you can guess) but that didn't mean that I was going to comply with how they think I should live my life. I told her that nothing was going to change, except for the fact that she "she knows" and so she should never come to me when whatever nosy and overzealous relative or "friend" comes to her with a marriage proposal from some 40 year-old virgin. Well, I didn't quite phrase it like that.

I said that Timo and me are willing to wait as long as it takes. I do realize it sounds childish, you know. The kind a rebellious 16 year-old would tell her parents, about her first boyfriend ever, only to break up with him after three weeks. But I really mean it. We have been doing this for almost five years now. It is not ideal, and it is not what we want, but the alternative is just too horrible to contemplate.

Now, I do know that I can go on like this for a few years. I have no doubt in my mind about that. As for him, well, he says he can, and I choose to believe him. It tears me up inside to do this to him, after allowing ourselves to feel cautiously optimistic about being together next year. Honestly, it's the main reason I still break down in tears from time to time. I want to be with him so bad. I have never missed him as much as I do lately (I guess that's understandable) and sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy because I can't wrap my head around why two consenting adults in a committed, long-term relationship cannot be together if that's what they want. But it's a bit pointless to approach things that way, right?

So that's what we're going to do. We'll wait until the situation changes. But I don't want to wait too long. If things don't change after a certain while, I doubt I'll keep to my word not to run away. I know I will bitterly regret it, but there is something that is keeping me up at night. It is my strong desire to have a family. I am 30. Many years ago I was quite determined to be a mother before I reach that age, but life didn't work out that way. I'm hopeful I still have a few fertile years ahead of me, and I don't want to be a 45 year-old mother chasing her toddlers around. But I wanted to enjoy life a bit with my soulmate before procreating, you know? We never lived together. It's so unfair. I don't want my biological clock to rob me of what I have dreamed of for the last five years.

So I really can't say when I'll be fed up, but I will eventually. I'm hoping time can work its magic on my mother. I have said before that she isn't the core of the problem; my father is, but maybe she will be so moved that she will consent to let me go under false pretense (like a job offer abroad) and help me hide the truth from him? This sounds absolutely impossible to me as things stand, but a girl can dream.

About the legal and administrative aspect of things, we have done our research, and it seems that so long as we are married and together, there will be a way. I don't think I'll be using the residence permit when I get it in a few months. It will probably expire before I can move to Finland. But then I'll just need to apply for a new one (it would cost another 400+ euros but who cares about money at this point?) and start anew.

In the meantime, as I said in my letter, "nothing needs to change". I will continue to visit Timo as often and as long as I can. It will kill my mother inside that she isn't able to stop me from seeing him, but so long as my father doesn't know and that I am still able to play the business trip card, then I honestly couldn't care less about her feelings. So I'm planning an October visit right now. Possibly on the 19th, since a band I like very much will be playing in Helsinki on that day. Then a couple of weeks with a long visit to the in-laws, as Jaana and Tommi will hopefully have had their little princess then. Also we are planning another, shorter trip to Germany in November. We want to visit Stuttgart this time

So that's what I'm doing. Clinging to the thoughts of the next visits, while drifting from despair at the thought that I'm ruining mine and Timo's life, and resignation because I'm doing the right thing as far as my family is concerned. Feel free to tell me that I'm insane.

So what else? I guess I'll be giving her the letter tomorrow, if I'm satisfied with it before I leave work in a few hours. Then I'll try to live as normal a life as I can.

LUCYBELLE: This is a short summary of my last few blog posts, as I know you won't have time or courage to go through them all: I gave my mother the letter a couple of weeks ago, she had a major meltdown with lots of tears, at first she was almost sympathetic but I guess that was the shock, then she started talking to my sisters about it, but never to me (she acted as normal as she possibly could with me), telling them that there's no way this could happen, and to just forget about it. Then last week she wrote me a letter in response telling me all that, and more, and now I'm answering her.