I don't know if its just my current mood or what but, I hadn't expected anyone to actually come here and read these. My first time ever with any kind of online blog. I don't even use social media much. I was just using it as an informal way to get all the "blah" out of my system. Last post I made I tried to cater to a reader a little bit more and I don't think I liked it very much. I think I will just go back to letting the overflow spill out onto the internet as I was before as I am just doing for me so I need to write that way and if people read and find value in it somehow then that's good too.

Hard night/morning whatever this time. My SO went to a birthday party of a friend of the family. The problem is...she came back and was acting very, very different. She was complaining of being dizzy and said everyone there was drunk. I try so hard to trust without seeing. To have faith. To believe that everything she says or doesn't say is the truth. I asked her no questions at all prior to her leaving for it except what time she thought she might be home because I wanted to know if I would be able to talk to her when she got back. I asked this like right before she had to go to get ready and she came out with will the information about what kind of party it was and such.

Anyways, I don't like to reveal a lot of information about her because I don't know if it is her wish for people to know. I'm not against anyone having fun. But she has told me she doesn't do drugs and alcohol since the beginning and seemed to feel very strongly about it and that is something that important to me and that I liked about her because I need positive influences in my life in those regards. However, I certainly have a drink extremely occasionally to unwind sometimes too but she can be very depressed at times. She also seems to take it very hard if her feelings or honesty come into question which rarely if at all happens because usually she is very attentive and loving towards me and gives me very little reason to think otherwise. I just don't want her to start down the road of self destructive ways in order to cope with depression and things. I've been there, I've told her of my story in hopes she would learn it is not the way to go. I've been working so hard to always put her first over anything else when she is feeling down to help her and be there. I just really don't want to see that happen to her.

I hate my brain, it is always engaged. Always analyzing everything. Ever searching for inconsistencies. Maybe she was just in a really good mood/hyper and its just my imagination. Maybe it was harmless fun. I do value communication in a relationship but I don't want her to feel like I don't trust her because I do and I certainly don't want her to be sad. I just wish so much I could make her life better and I just cant stand the thought of her getting caught up in drinking and/or drugs especially as a coping mechanism. I want to talk to her about it but at the same time I don't. I hate feeling like this. I feel so dumb for feeling like this. I don't even want to think about this anymore right now. Time to go browse the forums.

To all those in an LDR out there I wish you strength and luck.