Why am I spending so much time lately thinking about marriage? I mean, I woke up this morning and after "I need to pee" marriage was one of the first things that crossed my mind. I think about it at work, I think about it at home, I think about it when I should be noveling, I think about it in the shower and at night in bed... I think about it so much I have to be very careful not to slip up and say something daft to Obi! I've come close a couple of times, but caught myself. It's crazy!
I've never been that big on marriage. It was always "meh" to me. My plan was to stay with a guy long enough to have a few kids and then get rid of him. I never had gooey dreams about forever. I didn't care if I had little bastard children. We're living in modern times. I don't need a man. It was when I went through a stage of being scared to marry Obi that I knew I was in trouble. People would ask us about it, and I'd be quick to protest! But, I realised somewhere along the line I'd begun to care if it happened or not.
Now, I'm not scared. I'm impatient and giddy and the only scary part is the idea that he might not ever ask. I know a tiny piece of me will be sad if he doesn't ask me this anniversary. And, I already know he wont. I has the powerz of the logic. He's spent a huge chunk of this year unemployed. Even if he wanted to, it's unlikely he has the money to buy a ring (he's very traditional, I know there will be a ring.). I know I'll be a little bit more sad if he hasn't asked me by the time Bec and Chris go home. I told him once, a long time ago, that he needs to ask Bec's permission first. (She's the head of my family, and she already told me she'd say yes). I don't think he has contact with them outside of fb... but when they are here, he'd have time to talk to her about it if he chose.
Logic also tells me that the next couple of months is the best time, because we need to still be in Canada to get married (can't afford to fly his family to Australia, but can afford to fly mine to Canada) and that would give us 6+ months to plan it, and have it before my visa expires. Besides... he stated he does not want bastard children, and when we return to Australia we've agreed to start trying to conceive within a couple months of getting back. But I don't know if any of this has even occurred to him! I don't know if he thinks about timing or has a plan for how we'd pay for a wedding. (I has a plan
lol ) It's making my brain fritz out...And, I know he'd love that!
Then there's little things.. like, his sister has mysteriously asked to measure my hands for a uni project, on the premise that mine are small and child-like. Yet, there are younger people in the family she could easily use. I'm scared I'm reading too much into this though, but the whole thing keeps me giddy. And on top of that, Obi was recently asking me about jewelry, like what metals are better? Is silver better or worse than platinum? And "Are you allergic to white gold?" (I'm allergic to yellow gold and he knows this). But again, maybe he was just making conversation. *laughs at herself*
Gods, I was never one of these women... and here I am looking online at dresses and rings and thinking of cool but inexpensive ideas, researching venues... What's wrong with me?! lol
And the fun part? This feels so much like the early days of our relationship, before we were committed. We knew we loved each other, but there were all these other factors on the sidelines giving me alternating amounts of hope and doubt. I know he loves the mystery of it. He likes to play with me and not come right out and say these things. He loves it if he thinks I'm going bananas wondering over something. And now, I don't even know if he's actually messing with me, or if I'm just messing with myself. It's fabulous. I hate it. Hahahaha
*Smiles and shakes her head* I must be crazy.