Torn and I need some advice :/

[Sanney4709]

My name is Savana and I am going to apologize in advance for the long story. Sorry!

Our Story: In high school my Aunt had gotten me into this silly little online Disney game called Toontown. Three years and six months ago (I was a sophomore in high school). I made a new friend his name was Matthew (he was a junior in high school). We played together a lot and it got to the point where we didn’t really play the game anymore we just got on to chat. Eventually we quit altogether and just used facebook and shortly after we started talking on the phone. We would talk all the time and tell each other everything. We supported each other and tried to help each other if we were having a rough day. One day he told me that he really likes me. He told me that I make him happy and that I was really sweet. I told him I liked him too because he had a really good sense of humor and always made me laugh. It had been six months since we first started talking and we had been best friends up to this point.

After that we started “dating.” We would skype and stuff but we had no hope of meeting in person anytime soon because we were a thousand miles apart and both afraid to tell our parents we had been talking. They found out however a year later. The first time we met in person was two years after we started “dating” when he flew to Florida to see me and go to my senior prom with me. I had an amazing time even though he could only stay for three days because he worked. After that it was another eight months before we saw each other again. At the end of December 2011 he flew to Florida again to see me. This time he stayed for ten days. We spent New Year’s together and just had a great time together. We got along well and made each other happy.

Six months later I spent the entire month of June in Missouri with him. It was absolutely amazing. His family was really nice and I am just happy when I am with him. I am the happiest when I have him by my side. He believes in me when I don’t believe in myself and he lifts me up when I’m down. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

The Problem: Ok so here is why I am torn and need advice. For a while the plan was that after I finish my sophomore year in college and he finishes up getting his AA at a community college (next year) he would move to Florida and we would get an apartment together while I finish up school and he establishes residency and goes back to school. However, cost of living in Florida is very high and I am afraid we wouldn’t be able to afford it and he doesn’t really know what school he would go to when he moves here. I am also not getting along very well with my mother lately. I love her very much but she has been drinking a lot lately and going out all the time. She doesn’t listen to anyone and I’m not too fond of her new boyfriend. She doesn’t help with any of my school expenses. My dad does what he can to help (he lives in Kentucky) but he can’t really afford much. So I proposed that maybe we could both go to Missouri State University after I finish my sophomore year and stuff.
The bad thing about this is that I would have to leave the rest of my family as well as my mother. I am the oldest of 8 siblings and cousins and we are all pretty close. Me and my younger sister, Abby, are like best friends and I would feel bad leaving her by herself to deal with our mother who doesn’t let her do anything with friends unless I am with her. I would also feel bad about leaving my grandma who continues to get older and I hate missing out on spending time with her. I would also be leaving behind my best friend from college which would suck. However, I felt pretty lonely throughout my freshman year of college. I am also worried about the difference in school because the one I go to now is small and I only take four classes a semester and Missouri State University is big and I would have to take 5-6 classes per semester.

The positive thing about this is that I believe I would be happy being with Matthew permanently. I love him so much and he makes me happier than anything else in the world. The cost of living in Missouri would be a bit lower and more affordable. Matthew wouldn’t have to quit his job right away giving him time to find a new one. His parents are really nice and they love me. They would be much more helpful than my mom would be. Matthew has always wanted to go to Missouri State University and I think he would be happier there. I am away from my family when I go away to college anyways so why not be happy while I am away instead of lonely?

I am unsure though and I am in dire need of advice so what do you think I should do?

[Haley53]

While I don't feel family obligations should be the reason you 100% hang around, I do feel that family comes first. My plans with my SO were changed significantly when his mother passed away and he became the legal guardian of his younger brother, and I had to be okay with that, simply because he was all that his brother had. He is also returning to school to pursue higher education.

So I think some things you have to ask, and be 110% honest about, are what are your current familial responsibilities? Would someone be there to "hold down the fort," so to speak, if you took off to be with your SO? In regards to your educational plans, is Missouri State University what's best for your major and intended career? Would Missouri State University be a school you'd consider if your SO weren't in the picture? What would happen if you two broke up? Would you be happy going to MSU? Is out-of-state tuition something you're going to be able to afford?

In the end, you have to ask the nitty gritty questions and be honest about their answers, because in the end, as much as you didn't choose to be stuck with an alcoholic for a mother and her deadbeat boyfriend, you have some amount of responsibility. You also have to consider what's best for your major and intended career, and think about out-of-state tuition. Do you have grants or scholarships that can help you afford it? Since your family can't? How much financial aid would you qualify for? Out-of-state tuition is costly if you don't have any means of help with it, and it's worth thinking about if going into that much student debt for undergraduate education is worth it to you, keeping your career focus in mind. You also have to think about what's best for your future solitarily, if you and Matthew don't work out.

In the end, one of you has to make the sacrifice, but as it stands now, seeing as Matthew is graduating from community and looking to further his education, and has the support of his family regardless of his decision, it sounds like you would have more to sacrifice. Someone once told me it's not about how many ties but about the quality of those ties, and frankly, I think yours are a bit more significant. While quitting a job and moving somewhere where the cost of living is higher is a big sacrifice, he'd be doing it with his family's support and he sounds like he's in more of a position to take that independent step, whereas you sound like you have your family/siblings and your own education still to think about, which are places I feel need to be considered when it comes to closing the distance beyond how much happier you'd be with them. Sometimes it'd be great to run away, but you simply can't do it, and I think you need to be honest about some of the questions I posed above before giving up your life in Florida to pursue your boyfriend in Missouri.

Best of luck. I know it's not an easy decision.

[Sanney4709]

Thanks for the help I will definitely take all of that into consideration before I decide. You have definitely given me a lot to think about. I have a year to do my homework and decide. I will also take into consideration my situation in a year. Thanks again and best of luck to you in closing the gap between you and your SO. (: