Bouncing!

[Zephii]

As you all know, Obi and I are bouncing. That's how we've closed the gap. We're in Canada this year, Then Aussie for two years, Canada for another year, back to Australia so I can finish uni...
Some days that's a headache and others it soothes my soul.

We've looked at it from 100 different angles. I understand the pros and cons, the financial side, the emotional side, everything. I could make a mind map with all the thinking and talking we've done! So, I'm not really looking for advice, just opinions and other people's experiences.

Is anyone else planning to close the distance by spending time in both places, rather than one person giving up everything?

My other concern is that, after the time I spend doing uni at home, Obi wants us to settle here in Canada perminantly. Oh we can go back for holidays here and there every few years, but the rest of the time Zephii just has to suck it up and not see her family or friends for months or even years at a time. The more settled we get, the further apart those visits will also get. Now I know that in the next 5-6 years things might change, Obi might discover reasons to want to spend time in Australia other than just shutting me up. But I can't bank on that lol. Is it wrong for me to want my children to spend some of their lives in my country too? Australia has a lot of unique things, especaiily oportnities for older teens/young adults that Canada doesn't have, and I'd like them to have a wider cultural base as well. I don't think it's ok to move kids every year or anything like that, no, but I also don't think it's healthy to grow up just in the one small town like both Obi and I did. I want better than that for my kids, not to mention having my kids actully have relationships with my side of the family!
We're not talking much about that at this stage, it's too far ahead to make plans for or anything, but a deep part of me seeks answers and information so that when the time comes I'm not unprepared. Right now, the idea of going home only for visits - even though it's so far in the future and I'll be more settled in Canada by then (hopefully) - makes me want to say, "no, lets not bother". I mean if I know in advance that something I need is going to be a deal breaker, I'm not going to waste time in the present am I?

How is everyone else planning on dealing with these kinds of things in the long term? Am I the only one who can't fathom a life so far from family? Am I unreasonable to want these things?

[lunamea]

First off, I'm not in a similar situation, as my husband moved to Austria and we are planning on staying there when I get back from studying abroad. Having said that, I still can empathize with what you're saying, because I've always wanted to live and work in different countries (I'm thinking EU first and foremost, as we don't have to worry about visas and stuff), just to see more of the world. In the past, my hb has expressed that he'd like that, too, but when I brought it up again more recently, he said he wants to stay not only in Austria, but right where we are living now. This kinda had me thinking what will become of us if I have that urge to live elsewhere after having finished my studies and he doesn't want to... it's really difficult, because these plans are vague and in the somewhat-distant future, but still, it has you wondering and worrying. It just sucks to think you've invested years in a relationship that will then end because of an issue about which you never saw eye to eye.

Then again, you can never know how everything turns out. This is something I have to tell myself everyday, because there's other issues my husband and me may not agree on (having kids, for example.) We're both quite undecided about what we want our future to look like, so that makes it harder still. As my mom always tells me, though, things never go as planned, anyway, so I guess all you can do is take things step-by-step. I know I've changed my opinions so many times in the past years (and my husband is even worse, he almost changes his opinion on things every day) that planning beyond the next 2 years (before I've finished uni) just doesn't make any sense.

I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting to be close to your family and it would be great (although strenous, too) to be able to keep going back and forth, because it balances things between you two. I feel that if one partner gives everything up (and not really willingly, but just because somebody has to), it will be hard on the relationship in the long run. Going back and forth with kids is really hard, but depending on how you raise them, they might take it well, if you choose the right time. I think the only thing you can do is take things as they come and try not to worry about it too much now. As long as you're happy in the present and you think your SO is theoretically willing to make compromises for you, too, then there should be a way to figure things out once they come up.

[Zephii]

I think that is why it bothers me so much - I'm not really happy in the present. I'm endureing becuase I want to be with him, but I'm using the end date I have to help me get through each day too. I think that's why it's on my mind so much Ah I need to build a bridge!!
But thank you for sharing your experience with me It is hard to plan when you don't know what you want, and then again, it's hard if you know too well what you want too hehe. Thank goodness we all have each other to turn to.

[Naori]

I think I am in that kind of situation.
My SO wants me to move to Singapore to be with him. Meaning I have to leave Canada. We might only be visiting every other year.
I do think I will miss Canada and I think I am giving up a lot cause at the present moment I don't think he wants to move to Canada.

I would also like my children to see Canada as it is a big country with so much greenery and slow pace.

I think I have cried and argued over this.

But maybe he will want to move to Canada in the future. Thats probably something we have to discuss. If his family decides to move then yeah I think the issue is simple. Move.

But if not.. because he grew up with the notion having to take care of the parents I don't think he wants to move if his family doesn't move.
His dad is especially attached.

But I mean for me, I don't mind living abroad for a few years but I think I will definitely be homesick and miss my family but on the other hand if I married my SO he will be my new family.
I mean I have to grow up and grow out. But not getting to see snow or feel cool outdoors will be a big change for me. And not being able to snowboard or see green park in broad daylight (cause of the heat).
Not to mention the only attactions there are mostly malls.

But, I am a homebody so that really doesn't bother me.

But I do have dreams that Singapore was within a few hours drive... or that the island suddenly shift and moved towards Canada.Or a super bridge/tunnel to South East Asia

[lunamea]

I think that is why it bothers me so much - I'm not really happy in the present. I'm endureing becuase I want to be with him, but I'm using the end date I have to help me get through each day too. I think that's why it's on my mind so much Ah I need to build a bridge!!

Oh, I'm sorry that you're not happy right now. Are the two of you already living on your own? I do think everything gets better with time, as you get used to it and for me, the degree of homesickness truly depends on the degree of my momentary happiness. I also believe there are people who are just not made to be away from family and friends, though. I'm second-guessing my wishes to live abroad, too, because as my parents and grandmother are getting older, they will need me to stick around (I'm an only child.) It's also especially sad if you have children of your own or kids in the family... not being able to see them grow up just makes it so clear to you what you're missing out on.

[ioanna]

hey Zephii..
i'm sorry you're going through a rough time... it is normal that it takes time adjusting, weather it is to be living in another country or to actually living together as a couple... i hope it will get easier quick...things weren't easy for him either when he was at your place a few months back... and he didn't even have the king of stress you're having now with work and everything... just try and relax and make better use of the little positive things each day...
i don't think you're unreasonable wanting to be close to your family, especially once you have children... ideally you would be close to both families, and yes it is hard, and i have no suggestion as to making that work properly...
theres always the possibility of moving to a third country, then you would be both making the same compromise... but i think it isn't really that wise, because you wouldn't have any kind of support system...
keep in mind that you can't solve everything before it happens... i do agree its important to figure out a general idea of what you want, and keep track together to see if you still want the same things... even if you dont know yet how to get them all...
courage
*huggs*

[Zephii]

Yep, we're out on our own now - and that helps quite a bit!

Ioanna - That really helped for some reason. I think I can get through this, get past the depression, over the rocky patch in this relationship, repair the hurt we've caused each other... We just need time now I guess Time and a bit more communication.

I'm still curious to know if other people are using bouncing as a solution though

[woop woop]

We have bouncing plans! Me and my boyfirend have been together for a little over a year and a half. I live in Scotland, and he lives in the north of France. I will be moving to London soon (soooon!) for a new job and our bouncing plan goes like this...

... we will live in London, my boyfriend builds up his freelance business hopefully with clients in the north of (or all over) France and the UK, and commutes betweeen France and the UK. In my head he does this for like three nights a week in France, and the rest in London. In my boyfriend's realistic head, he has to spend a little longer in france, because the Eurostar (train to Europe) is expensive. If we have children(if if if far in the future
; )...we could could move to France.

Although...in my newest life plan, I get a job with the European Parliament Civil Service in Brussells and we live there.

So, our bouncing plans aren't really as complicated as yours Zephi, as we are so much closer, and we are both citizens of the lovely EU, which means no crazy visa issues. We are trying to get around one of us having to leave our country - this is mainly financial. I would happily live in if I could get a job in my field, but my French isn't good enough. I suppose the difference with our situation is that there in not that much more travelling time between the north of France and Scotland and the south of England and Scotland. I hope this all makes sense! I'm a little sleepy.

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

If that is possible for the two of you....that's really great! I know I couldn't do it. I will be a teacher I'd just hate jumping from school to school ike that. Besides my family only lives 2 hours away from his home. Good luck with that though!!