Question for the alumni...

[nicole]

It's funny how this has set me off. Last night I was on petfinder, searching through the local listings in my SO's area for dogs. I recently was informed that it took a friend of ours 6 months to get a work permit while waiting for their green card from the K1 application to come through. 6 MONTHS! I love dogs and I've been looking for one to keep me company... I don't know how I'm going to cope spending months alone in the apartment whilst he's at work. I was looking for a small dog that likes spending time with people so of course most of what I was getting was little lap dogs. I sent my SO some last night to see what he thought... and he just started ripping into me saying he doesn't want a little yappy dog round the house and if I got one he wouldn't have anything to do with it. Apparently he was just joking around but he definitely took it too far with me. He could tell I was upset but just kept going.

It's not necessarily about the dog. It's the thought of I'm giving up so much just to sit around in an empty apartment by myself for months. He gets to stay where he wants, go to work and see people and I know he likes the fact that he's "taking care of me" by paying for everything. Whereas I already feel like crap not being able to contribute as much to the finances (I'll only have what I have saved up for the last couple of months), I can't drive so I'm essentially stuck in a place with a non-existent public transport system. And I'm going to be on my own for 8-9 hours a day whilst he's at work; all my friends that I made last year have moved away and my family are going to be very far away.

I knew all of this before. I know it's going to take a while to learn to drive so I can at least borrow his car. It's going to take time to make new friends. I knew this and I'm willing to make the sacrifices. But now it's 3 weeks away. I'm feeling really really anxious. I can't sit still, my heart is racing all the time, and I cry a lot. I had a solution to the loneliness at least and it got thrown back in my face. It's made it all worse.

The question is, alumni, is it always this stressful and nerve-wracking? I am excited and happy the distance is closing, but then there's this other side of the coin that I'm finding hard to deal with

[snow_girl]

I'm still without a job, so i have been doing that exact thing for the last 6 months. Force yourself to go out and for walks, learn something new (I taught myself to knit) read. It does get boring and lonely but it is worth it to see your SO after and play the domestic housewife role for a bit. I'd make him dinners for when he got him, till he told me I don't make proper meals then I stopped. Something I feel bad that he has to come home and make his one food but that is his fault! It is hard knowing that I can't really contribute but I do a lot of babysitting and can make some money that way. Its okay to be anxious but once you get there it won't be so bad

[mllebamako]

This is totally normal. And the next few months (or longer) will be full of ups and downs. When I moved back to Mali to be with my SO it was a huge roller coaster. I was so excited and grateful to be living with him again after our time apart. But on the other hand, I was moving back to a place where I would always be a foreigner, a place where I didn't have stable work, I had no friends, and I did end up spending a lot of my time alone at home on the internet. But it got better. It will get better over time.

Moving/closing the distance is scary and exciting and stressful but so so so worth it. And I'm writing this as someone who took the leap but its currently separated from her SO. Living alone, struggling with my situation. But still, I do not regret coming here for a minute. (get ready for a bit of cheesiness, but it's true) It is worth it, because you are making a huge leap for love which is incredibly brave. And it will be a million different things and will bring up hundreds of different feelings and emotions, but you will grow everyday from it and it will get easier. And then harder. And then easier again. Just like anything in life.

[Rach321]

Yes, it's normal. I had a job when I arrived, and it has still been a big adjustment. We're still working things out, but for the most part things were settled in a few months. It is most definitely worth it. Take it one day at a time and try to focus on the positives.

[lucybelle]

It took me about 6 months to find a job. So I adopted a dog. My SO hates dogs, but he loves me and wants me to be happy. I think your SO should let you get a dog. Tell him you'll take care of it. The only thing my SO has to do with the dog is put up with her while she's in the house. I pay for the food, feed her, take her on walks, clean up any barf or whatever. I've been here for 6ish months and I just now feel like I have a little circle of friends. No one I'm going to call up when I have a bad day, but people I can hang out with a few times a month. It's hard and stressful, but you do it for love.

[nicole]

thank you guys, I needed to hear it's normal. We had a huge argument last night. I was freaking out and he got upset that I didn't have all the answers. If I had answers I wouldn't be freaking out in the first place. Going to work today helped a lot, but I still got jolts of panic when I had a moment to myself. I need to seriously get a grip. and find something that won't cost a lot to keep me occupied. He says getting me a dog is fine, now he gets this is serious, but we need to move into an apartment that allows pets first. I'm just hoping the complex he lives in now will let him break the lease a few months early without too many charges.