I need advice please

[Granizados!]

I need to know if I am being unfair in this situation…

To give you a bit of background knowledge, I met online, and subsequently fell in love with a Spanish girl. I live in England.

She is very intelligent, caring and mind-blowingly beautiful. To put it bluntly, she’s perfect. I’m sure you all share that feeling about your partners; I guess you wouldn’t be here otherwise.

The problem is that she has been learning English from an early age, and I do not know any Spanish. She has been offered a scholarship, which she can choose to come to study in England for a year. She ensures me it doesn’t matter to her, but she’d be leaving her family and her friends behind. She loves her family a lot, and I have been speaking to her best friend, and they are very close. Alongside the fact that I will have to force her to speak English so I can understand her, she will also be the one leaving her family and friends.

This next part may be a little forward but I would still like to discuss it. I am already qualified in my job to British Regulations. I’m sure this would mean that if I moved to Spain I wouldn’t be able to get a job which I am trained in to do. Not only that, but I would have to learn Spanish. I hate the feeling of being English and expecting everyone to speak my language. Out of respect, I would want to speak theirs.

The other option is she lives here. Yet again, I force her to move away from family and friends, and she has to speak English. This makes me feel terrible.

At this moment she is deciding whether to take the scholarship, or go to university in Spain. She has told me she has two to three weeks to make her decision. This decision is life changing.

I’d like to know if any LFAD veterans amongst yourselves have experienced anything similar to this, and what the conclusion was. Any advice, even if it is frank, would be appreciated.

[Tanja]

I know you get that guilty feeling when it comes to leaving one's home country to be with their SO but in a LDR SOMEONE always has to make the sacrifice if you wanna be together. Like you said, she can get a scholarship to study in England and she speaks perfect english where as you can not speak any Spanish and you wouldn't be able to get a job there - it's clearly the most rational and best decision to make if she comes to England to be with you.

I know you're gonna feel bad about it every once in a while or maybe constantly but from what you said in your post this is the best way to go. And in the end, it is HER decision to make so if she chooses you and England over her family, friends and Spain it's because she loves you that much and she wouldn't want you to feel guilty, she wants to spend her life with you and wants to make you happy so BE HAPPY!

[Granizados!]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me! I wasn't expecting such a nice & positive response. You have my personality spot on! 'I know you're gonna feel bad about it every once in a while or maybe constantly'. That made me smile

It takes a special kind of person to care about someone else's problem who they have never met before. Reading that post has helped me a lot.

[garnet]

Last week, my fiance left his home in Canada, to move in with me in the USA. We both speak English, but he had to sacrifice his home, his country, his family, friends, job... The reason he came here and I didn't go there was that I am older, and more settled into my life (house, car, job, etc), and he was renting from his parents, no car, and it was just much easier for him to go in that sense, than it would have been for me.

While he seems okay with it, I felt guilt before it happened, and I sometimes still do, now that he's here. It can't be easy.

What I see here, is that we both had/have a pretty clear picture of which person would make more sense to make the move. In your case, that would be her in my opinion.

I echo what Tanja said, it is her choice, and if she does it, it's because she loves you and wants to be with you. Just let it happen, and enjoy your lives together.

[Caitlin2009]

Like Tanja said one of you has to make the sacrifice to finally be together under one roof at some point, take for instance my girl who lives in Scotland she's lived there her whole life and her family and her friends are there as well, she's very scared of leaving them behind but she knows she needs to because Scotland is not where she feels she's meant to be, Scotland is a beautiful country but i wouldnt wanna move there. i feel like my home is in North Carolina(at the moment i live in Connecticut) she also feels her real home is there and wherever i am. Our home is with each other.

[Swederica]

In a few months i'll be moving from Sweden to LA to be closer to my SO.
And i feel completely fine with that.
She ofc can't speak my native language but what do i care if i have to speak english instead? I get to be with her for crying out loud and that makes me superhappy to know
Know i'm not that superclose with my family. But i'm close atleast, and i feel that she's worth it. And if me moving to LA will make ME happy then so be it.

So yeah if she chooses to take the scholarship and come to england she does it out of her free will, besides she could always return to spain and her family, and because she loves you and all.
Don't worry, and don't feel guilty (even tho you are a pesky englishmen hahaha jk). You could always take spanish classes and try to learn her language the best you can to honor her

[emma19911]

I agree with most have what has been said, it is something that is guarenteed that one person will have to move to be with the other so you have to look at who it is easier for and in your situation it seems to be her. The thing is she needs to make this decision as it is life changing for her.

Whatever happens you may feel guility however it is for both of you to be together if it is the choice in which she makes is to come to university in England. Talking to her about it would help a lot so good luck

[polkapiggy]

Thankfully, I don't think I'll feel guilty about Alex moving from New York, to come live here in England because he wants to come live here and doesn't want me going to live there. I also know how it feels with the whole spanish thing. Alex's family is Puerto Rican and most of them speak Spanish most of the time. Alex can understand most of what is being said, but he's not like fluent or anything. The big problem is I don't understand a word of it! I've grown up with English as my first language and FRENCH as my second. Alex doesn't understand French, and I don't understand Spanish, but thankfully those are both our 2nd languages! I would hate to be in a situation where I didn't understand my SO's first language, I just can't understand what his family is saying.

[Granizados!]

First of all, thank you for the replies! This is the friendliest forum community I’ve ever experienced.

Garnet, Caitlin, Polkapiggy – these are exactly the kind of true life stories I was looking for. It gives me hope that other people have been in similar situations, and how it can work out. I have taken into account your useful opinions.

Swederica – You have a fantastic perspective because you seem to have made a lot of effort in your relationship, similar to how she does with me. I know it is the wrong way of looking at things, but I feel like she is being ‘punished’ with all of the hard work because she is intelligent and can speak English. Your view has given me the honest opinion that it may not be the case. I will have to buy you a drink if I am ever in LA to make up for your bad Englishman experience. :P

Emma – Thanks for the luck. You are correct that it is life changing for her. It is going to be a far more difficult experience for her than it is for me. I feel helpless about this at times. The general consensus seems to be it is her decision, and I should support her with whatever she chooses. We have spent a lot of time talking and she is adamant that it is ‘a great opportunity’.

I will let you know how it turns out. Thanks again!

[lunamea]

I just wanted to chime in with another aspect of this... that she moves there to be with you now does not necessarily mean that you'll both stay there forever. She could teach you Spanish and you could then live in her country for a while, too. The weather certainly is better than in England!

Also, you make it seem like speaking English is a burden for her, but if she has been learning it from an early age on and is at least fluent, I don't think it will be so hard for her. I'm bilingual in English and German and I can switch around pretty easily and I actually prefer speaking English to speaking my mother tongue! Another factor is that studying there will be good for her professionally, so she's not only doing it because of you. Considering this, I don't think you should feel guilty.
Sure, she will miss her family a lot, but many people go to study abroad (me included ) and it will be easier for her because she has you there. You can see how things go and if she really wants to go back after the study abroad program is over, you can still figure things out. Even though I'm being a little hypocritical (I've been married to a guy for 4 years and haven't managed to really learn his mother tongue... ) in saying this, I'd encourage you to learn Spanish with her. It's the easiest way to learn a language if you have that everyday exposure. That's how my husband learnt my mother tongue and he improved so much in so little a time.

Now, about my story: my husband moved to my country, mostly out of economic reasons and also because his sister already lives there, too, while I don't have anyone in his home country and I'm still studying. I didn't really feel guilty because we went through a lot to get him to my country (immigration issues), but from time to time, I do realize that he misses his family and I'm sad, even though he reassures me that things are so much better for us in my country and that it would make no sense for us to move to his. I've suggested moving to his country for some time after I've finished my studies, but he thinks I'd be really unhappy there (I'm a feminist and an independent woman and in his country, women are rather expected to be subservient, plus, we'd probably live with his family), so I'm not sure if that's ever gonna happen.

All the best for the two of you and try to remember that it is her decision and that, yes, it will change her life, but hopefully for the better!

[Granizados!]

Thanks lunamea . It’s funny you should say that, because one of the terms that she is able to do the scholarship is if she comes to study language. If she stays here, there would be a high possibility of her becoming a teacher. I’d have no excuse not to learn.

Not only are you right about the weather being nicer, but Spain is a very pretty country. She has shown me local beaches, monuments, buildings etc. It totally beats anything I could show her here… It would be a dream if I could live there for a while.

It’s fantastic news you and your husband made it together, thanks for sharing. He really cares about you, and therefore he doesn’t expect you to live in his country. Everyone here seems to have had their fair share of problems, and it amazes me to hear what you have overcome.

[Riyko]

I met my guy up in Canada at school (i'm from the US), he's from Chile so spanish is also his native language and when we started dating I felt bad about the language thing too because I didn't know any spanish, but he told me it was his choice to come to Canada and learn english so I shouldn't feel bad (noting he was in Canada for a 2 years when we met).

If she chooses to go to England to study for a year just remember she can always teach you spanish if you want to learn my boyfriend taught me some spanish so now i'm able to have a conversation with his family.

I hope that helps some =)