Making New Friends After You Close The Distance?

[CandiCandi]

One subject that my SO and I talked about last night was me making friends when I get up there. I completely adore him, but I am going to need friends outside of that, as well. Most of his friends are guys and I don't really have a problem with any of them. However, here's the deal: I hang out with no one where I live currently. I kind of like it that way, because as I am moving, there will be no tough goodbyes - minus the one with my mom and maybe my grandma. My grandma will probably be holding herself together, while my mom cries in a few weeks when I get on the bus.

All that being said, another reason I haven't been socializing with people here the past couple of years, is that A) The people I want to socialize with are extremely busy. One has a five year old and a newborn who are both precious. I have talked to my SO about this friend and almost cried when I had said to him, "There's no doubt about it, she's probably a good mother." We haven't hung out since we were about thirteen but we are friends on Facebook. My friend, Ashley, I have known since we were BORN. Literally and every time I try to make plans with her or her family, they seem to kinda fall apart. She is also currently trying to have her first baby, however. This could play into that. Lastly, my friend Tanya, moved to Austin which is quite a far trip from Carrollton/Dallas. My cousin is extremely distant towards the whole family. She talks to us, but it's always a once in awhile thing and she also used to be my best friend.

After that, most of the people who are available to hang out with are people that -want/need- something or people who are heavy into drugs, partying, and doing stupid, stupid things and trying to pull me into that lifestyle which isn't me. I live in a suburb of a party city AND a college town (it's half Denton/half Dallas) so it's always been hard for me to meet people like that aren't like that. So, here we go...

My SO also lives in a college town. A lot of bars. The majority of people go out to drink to have a good time. You know, no big deal. If they like it, they like it. I don't judge them for it, but I don't want to join in with it either! I think we agreed I am probably going to end up making friends at the job I get.

I asked him last night if there were any girls he knew I would get along with. As I said, I am totally down for hanging out with his male friends, but I KNOW you girls know what I mean. However, he already tried to introduce me to one girl last summer when we got together and that all fell apart. I had a weird feeling about her, but gave her a chance anyway and she ended up messaging me this long letter asking me if I really cared about my SO and how his ex-girlfriend says I'm gonna use him and she wants to make sure I'm not and blah blah blah. Ever since, he's been worried about introducing me to other girls. Not through a fault of my own, but because he doesn't want it to happen to me again. He says all the girls he knows don't seem the type to pull that shit, but he didn't think SHE was the type to pull that shit, either. I'm already not really impressed with his brother's girlfriend. She has her good side, but she is also very judgmental and has a temper when she isn't pleased which seems just about never. There is one of his ex-girlfriends that I think actually seems like a total sweetheart (before anyone says anything, this was a middle school relationship that lasted like, a week. She is married and also just had a baby yesterday). He said he actually did think we would get along, she's cut his son's hair before, and she's super nice. Only thing is, as I mentioned, she did just have a child so I don't know how hanging out would go. You know what I mean?

So, my point is...how did you make friends outside of your SO, passed work when you closed the distance? What can someone who doesn't drink/smoke/party (there is no bending on this, alcoholism and drug addiction run in the family and it is a deep personal issue) do to find friends in a college town outside of his group? I am totally willing to meet his friends, keep that in mind! I just want to try and branch out some, too!

[Lilly9886]

What about the girlfriends of his friends? Do you know any of them yet?

[CandiCandi]

What about the girlfriends of his friends? Do you know any of them yet?

Hmmm, this may be a good idea. But I think most of his guy friends aren't with anyone. Except, ONE, actually. There is one friend he has that is going through some major life changes that actually used to be the party type but has long since, as I have stated, made life changes (for example, my SO invited him out for drinks, he said "no, how about coffee?" etc) and my SO wants me to give him a chance, like he frequently mentions it. He's got a girlfriend and I asked my SO if he would want to go on a double date or something with him. He said maybe. All that being said, it is the only friend of his I can think of with a girlfriend other than his brother. This is a really good idea, though and I am going to bring it up to him tonight when we talk/after he gets home from work because there may be some that he has not mentioned. Thank you!

[lucybelle]

I get along well with all of my SO's friends. They like me. So does his family, and there's a good amount of his family that is my age. But it was really important for me to make my own friends. Not be friends with his friends, or their girlfriends or whatever. But to have my own circle.

I tried at first doing it the normal(ish) way. I signed up for Italian classes and everyone kind of sucked. I guess it could have been me that sucked and everyone else rocked, but anyways, no friends made.

I also took my dog to a park where I saw lots of people gathering with their dogs. These people have all become acquaintance/friends. I don't call them to hang out, don't even know the name of most of them, but we're friendly when we see each other and it makes me feel more at home to know neighborhood folk.

The honest way I met most of my friends was through couch surfing. I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but anyways. San Jose has a group that meets up every month and I started going to the "meetings" (parties). Everyone is so super nice and great! I became really good friends with just about everyone in the group and it's great because they're my friends. My SO has only known them as long as I have, so there's no back stories or inside jokes I don't get. I don't have to sit through "oh remember the time we did ..." stories, which are entertaining at first, but you start to feel left out after 3 or 4 of them. If you don't want to use couch surfing I'm sure there's other online meet-up groups for the city you're moving to.

And most importantly- be patient. You're not going to make friends over night.

[aeiouna]

I'm fortunate that there are friends of mine that I met online that just so happen to live in the same city as my SO (and therefore, where I'll be moving to), so I have them to lean back on.

If I didn't, it'd probably be coworkers. Most of my friends where I am now I met either through school (a lot of high school friends), or work.

[Off2Spain]

I'm facing the same problem as you as I'm also moving to his city and I don't know anybody here. What I think I will be doing to make friends is: participate in a laguage course (I'm moving to Spain), sign up for dance classes and try and make friends during my internship. Just try do as many activities as possible, you'll end up making new friends. But it takes time!

[MadMolly]

What sort of music do you like? Go see some bands play. Do some dance classes. Maybe some creative classes of some kind. Look at events and things like that. I make friends often by adding people I see on Facebook and introducing myself and asking them if they wanna meet up for a drink/coffee. It's pretty easy to make friends if you put yourself out there. And remember, you don't HAVE to drink at bars or parties, and many people who hang out in those environments aren't big drinkers anyway!

[Kristin91]

Since it's a college town I'm sure there must be places to hang out and eat food (like a pizza place). Also there might be a gym off campus if you like to work out, and if not you can probably buy a membership to the campus fitness center pretty cheap. You didn't really mention what you like to do, but there's always going to the park, walking, running... even at the grocery store and out shopping you can meet people. Good luck!

[13000km]

I moved to a college town too, but in the summer, and didn't really see the importance of making my own friends since I wasn't going to school or working. I hung out with his sister a lot, and I met a lot of his friends and got along pretty well with all of them, but still, they were his friends. There is one other couple we hung out with that summer but it was more like two old highschool friends and their girlfriends together. I started to get really lonely, but I ended up joining a international Christian group, which was where I really got to meet my own 'group'. Now my boyfriend joins me at the meetings and stuff sometimes, but they're still more my group. Does all that even make sense? /:

[Adora]

Are there any hobbies you like? Gym? Dance classes etc? Maybe could could join one of those to meet people?.........................Or are there any friends on here that you could chat to and possibly meet up with?

[CandiCandi]

Thanks guys. I think I am actually going to bring up volunteering to him. I already have a few times, but it was kind of just a side note, on something I want to do, in general. Now that I think about it, I realize it would be a good way to meet people as well and no less, people with a similar interest to mine. I'd like to volunteer with animals or with children. He's agreed he'd also do it with me, if he could find the time, in the past.

The thing about classes is, I would do them, but it would be something that would have to wait because we're going to have a lot to pay for as it is in the beginning. Also, totally aware of things not happening overnight But, just a concern we've both had. I actually keep thinking about it and think I may end up being more social there because my visit up there was to make sure and cement that it was the kind of place I like and want to have a life in. Sure enough, it was and people are friendly for the most part, in that area.

Seeing bands play is a great idea! We're both really into music and there are a lot of shows in that area, too. However, it is yet again, something that will have to be put off, due to finances and time constraints (me trying to find a new job, his job, having his kids on weekends which I'm totally down for!). Anyways...I think volunteering might be a good idea.