Just an update (and a few indirect questions for advice interspersed):
I arrived back in Austria two days ago and my husband and mom came to pick me up at the airport. All my fears about my hb being distant and generally not seeming happy that I'm back came true. It was really awkward, already at the airport, because I didn't know if I should kiss him or not and the awkwardness continued even after we got back home and were alone. He said he felt like I was a guest in our apartment and it didn't really seem like I was going to stay and I didn't feel at home either. I still don't, really, but I know that is a matter of time.
Anyway, yesterday (my second day here), all hell broke loose when my hb went out to meet a friend (I had told him to go, because having him there but acting so distant just killed me) and while he was gone, I checked my email and stuff. I came across the webpage of a club my hb and his friend go to (it was bookmarked), so I checked out the photos of the last weekends and found several pictures of my husband with other women. Just standing next to each other or talking (which, in a club, means leaning in and talking into the woman's ear). My reaction was so strange. I had expected that if I ever came across pix like that, I'd be mad as hell and want to kill him, but I was just in shock and really sad. He had always said he goes out to have fun with his friend and (except for a few pictures) his friend was nowhere to be seen in the photos of my hb with the women.
When he came back home, I talked to him about it and he explained that it was just random women he talked to a little and promised that nothing had happened. I hadn't gotten through viewing all the pix on the site (there are 200+ per weekend) and while we were talking, my hb told me that there was one photo where he "posed" with a woman because the photographer had allegedly said they make a nice couple. I hadn't seen that photo yet and I believed him about the other ones because one of the women was a friend of his friend's wife and the other woman was in several other pictures with other men, too.
Yesterday night, I saw the "couple" photo and that totally freaked me out. It's not like they are kissing or anything in it, but he has his arm around her neck/shoulder and they're standing pretty close and he's not wearing his wedding ring (as he often does not, allegedly because he forgets to put it on). I'm glad he had warned me about the pic before because I'm pretty sure I'd otherwise had a heart attack. He claims nothing happened, that they just talked and then the photographer wanted to take a picture. I just don't know what to think. I couldn't sleep at all last night and just paced the apartment and cried and spent the whole day crying and drinking, too. I begged him to tell me the truth and he swore nothing had happened. When he saw how out of it I was today, he apologized and said it was stupid but that it was nothing to worry about. I want to believe him so badly and in a way, I do, because I don't have any hard evidence that something did happen. When I first confronted him, I didn't tell him what exactly is in the pictures and he immediately said he hadn't done anything but talking. I can't really prove him a liar.
I guess part of why I believe him is that the reason he didn't tell me about these things is that I'm super-jealous and generally freak out easily and also about small things. We talked about other things that he had told me white lies about, too, and he did all of that not to hurt my feelings. I knew that he was not telling me everything as every time I asked him how his weekend (going out) had been, he said "as ever" and I let it go at that, but I had no idea he was talking to so many women (4 in 4 months, one of whom was the friend of his friend's wife) and it just makes me think he's going out to hook up.
This comes at the worst possible moment, as I just got back and generally feel lost and homeless and because we haven't been the same ever since our almost-break-up a month ago. He has been going out every weekend the year I was gone and I'm not sure how much he's going to tone that down now. He asked me for more space and I was willing to give it to him (because I realized I had been controlling and had accused him without reason), but I have no idea how I'm supposed to do that now. Next weekend is my birthday and he already made plans to go out with his friend again (one night of the weekend, but still). His friend is a real a$$hole, immediately teasing my husband about being "hen-pecked" when he doesn't want to go out one night. When I visited for 10 days in January (after having been abroad for 4.5 months), my hb didn't go out during that time to spend time with me and his stupid friend (who's married, too, so should understand but doesn't) gave him hell about it. I also believe that all this "you're making me do things I don't want to do" that my husband had been going on about lately comes from this friend, too, who, when my hb says he can't go out one night, says "ohh, won't your wife let you out of the house??" This idiot is the last thing I need right now and I hate that the two of them have gotten to be so close friends.
I just have no idea what to do. Ever since our almost-break-up, my hb said he doesn't really feel the same way, like something is broken inside him and he can't tell me that he loves me (he says it back but won't say it first) and that coupled with the pictures I saw just has me completely desperate. I'm so afraid of losing him and at the same time have no idea how to handle this in future. He did promise not to go out clubbing much anymore but rather just for a few drinks in a regular bar, but he'll still stay out late (allegedly to save money, they'll wait for the first bus in the morning, meaning he won't be home until 6am!!). I've always had trust issues (and a temper, which is why I accused him easily but later on felt really bad about it... guess I wasn't that wrong, after all) and now I've just hit rock bottom and even though he hasn't been as distant anymore today, I don't know if I can do this in the long run and/or forget this ever happened.
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