What if I can't do this?

[Zephii]

What happens then? If I were to admit that I'm not cut out for this?

I'm in too deep now. I can't just say goodbye. I can't man up and say "I can tell in the long run this is going to cause untold pain to us both and strain on the relationship, so I'm going to spare us that and stop wasting your time.", no, instead I want to say "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you." How foolish am I?

Everyone here says it over and over again for an LDR to work, to close the distance, one person will have to move. Please, don't respond to this post if that is what you're going to tell me, because I know, alright? I know, and I've done it, and I hate it.

I've been here what? just under 5 months? it feels like an eternity. I know there has been a lot of outside pressure too especially being so unhappy with work, but seperating those temporary feelings away from the main issue still leaves me with one obvious fact: There are two equaly emportant people in my life, Obi and my sister. One in Canada one in Australia. I can't give up one for the other, nor can I ask one or the other to move for me. Obi has always been clear - he will not leave his friends and family for me. I knew that, I chased after him anyway. This is my bad. I can't expect my sister to move to Canada either, she has her own life back home, plus I now have an understanding of what sponsoring your family is really like because one of the women at work is doing it for her family.. it's a long hard process.

And I'm to the point where I don't want us both to move to Australia. I like the lifestyle, friends and family we have here. I like who I am here - it's like being given a second chance.

I know there isn't really a solution. There's no advice you can offer me, and I doubt there's anything you can come up with that I havn't already toyed with in my mind. I even considered becomeing a flight atendant, so I could have some sembalence of a life in both countries, so that the huge freaking cost of international flights would be negated, but I doubt I could hack the lifestyle and that's if my body would hold up to the strain. Plus it would be many years before I could choose what flights I wanted to work on.

Please, don't tell me "You can always visit." No, I can't. it's a $2000 trip and that's if someone else is paying to keep me while I'm there. Yeah, I can visit all I want if Obi and I never want to have children and our own home. But working just for plane ticket money is somewhat unfulfilling, don'tchathink?

Don't mind me, I'm just ranting. I'm very very sad and stressed.

Sometimes I wish my sister was as good at maintaining a distance relationship as Obi and I were, but she just doesn't get it. She hates skype/msn voice/etc and has completely stopped using them. She will occasionally phone me, but because of the huge cost it's only for a few minutes. I can't afford to phone her. She doesn't email either, tho she'll facebook PM which is good, but then there often isn't the time to be sending long messages back and forth... or sometimes not the inclination. I've learnt that it hurts a lot less to just not have contact, but not only is this wrong of me to cut people out of my life because I'm too weak to deal with my own emotions, the rebellious part of me asks "why should I have to?"

Ugh. I can get through this year. I know that. But what happens when he asks me to spend forever with him? I don't (and don't want to) see an end to this relatonship. I just wish I had a better plan than "let's wait and see"

Thanks for listening.

[Tanja]

I can't really give you any advice on what to do but I can relate to how you're feeling in some level even though I haven't been in your situation... The thing is, when you're under a lot of stress you can get depressed without realising it yourself (and I mean clinically depressed, not just feeling down) and once you're depressed EVERYTHING seems negative and impossible. You only focus on the negative side of things and don't even want to try and think of how wonderful everything could be/is.

When I feel like that (and that's quite often these days because of my endlessly bad luck with life) I try to remind myself that things could be worse. I could be an orphan, I could be terminally ill, I could live on the streets, I could be hungry and cold, I could be alone. But I'm not and that's something I'm very very grateful of.

The thing is, no-one else can tell you what to do or how to be happy. Those things I mentioned are just a reminder of how well things are and how lucky you are.
BUT in the end, if you're not 100% happy in your situation then you do need to do something to change it. As to what that something could be I don't have an answer but I hope you can figure it out and talk with Obi and let him know how you're feeling and work it from there.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to be so far away from your old life and family and friends and I wanna say you're very strong and brave for doing this. My biggest fear is that Andy will not be happy in here, he doesn't speak my language, he doesn't have any friends or family in here, no job or hobbies, I will be ALL he has and that scares the hell out of me, I'm scared I wont be enough to make him happy. But we're not ready to give up before giving this a shot and seeing how it goes.

That's what you've done so far and it really is up to you to decide whether you want to "wait and see" some more or not.

[lunamea]

I really feel for you, even though I obviously can't offer advice (as you've already guessed ), either. Your situation truly is awfully complicated and there doesn't seem to be a solution that is not in some way painful. I wish I had one for you...

I agree with Tanja that it depends on your perspective, though. Like, the possibility of losing my husband has changed everything for me... and I'm chasing after him now, too. With everything I've read about you and Obi, I do think that you're not foolish at all. The two of you seem to work out really well and that is so rare that I think you have to hold onto it. When I read about your situation, I instinctively think "I wouldn't wanna trade places", but then again, you have a guy who loves you and the two of you shared an unparalleled dedication while LD and, and, and... and then I go, "actually, I wish I had that." *sadsmile*
What's more important, though, is that you say you like yourself where you are. I take that as a good sign and as a sign that you can do this, despite of what you believe.

I want to contradict Tanja by saying that I don't think you can ever be a 100% happy or content. I don't know, perhaps that's just me, but I don't think you can ever have it all. I think there are usually compromises and things you have to settle for/prioritize about. I'm not sure there's any person on earth who has a perfect life and, even though I'm not for settling for something you're unhappy with, I definitely am for holding onto good things in your life and not always yearning for more. I'm guilty of the latter and actually had a long discussion with my hb about wanting to change him into someone he's not. Only now that I'm about to lose him did I realize that I want him the way he is and that I couldn't care less about the petty things I used to get upset about. I think it is only if something is unacceptable that you should change it.

I can kinda empathize how you feel about your sister. When I got married and moved out of my parents', I really missed my mom, but she wouldn't be the one to call. I did so frequently, even though money was low, but I always had the feeling that she didn't really care about me/not enough to spend some money and I also felt it was unfair. My best friend is the same actually... I think I've received like 3 emails (and a few texts) from her while I studied abroad for 9 months. I know that she cares a lot about me, but she's very busy with her own life and doesn't really like to sit down at the computer outside work, either.
I've only experienced the "no contact is less painful" thing when I was still in my homesickness phase (the first few weeks back in the US after I'd been in Austria), but it got better after that. I actually think you should try to get your sister to use skype etc. more and stay part of her life that way. It will be painful, but you did it with Obi, too, so I think you can use that experience and perhaps it's only a matter of getting used to and you won't feel so detached from her (physically and emotionally) after a while.

[Zephii]

@ Tanja - I've been clinically depressed for years, and sometimes I deal with that better than other times. This year it's been hard to keep on top of it, but I've had it so long that I can often tell the difference between when something s actually a problem and when it's just the depression talking. I do a lot of exercises to focus on the positive, and a lot of thankfulness rituals because I am greatful for what I have. And I do focus on the it could be worse side. I am an orphan. I have slept on the streets. I've spent many years being cold and hungry. I'm glad that life is a lot more secure now, don't get me wrong. But, having been through a lot of really bad shit also makes me want to hold on to what I do have - and that includes the two remaining blood relatives I have in my home country. I spent most of my childhood in various hospitals watching a long succession of relatives die, I don't think it's unreasonable to hold onto the ones I have left, nor that I don't want to let go of the family I can see Obi and myself having in the future (or the acceptance and love his family have shown me).

Obi, of course, knows how I feel. He's in the same situation too, and I see that. This isn't about whether or not I'll stay with Obi.. I don't really know what it's about. I guess I feel I just need help.

Having nothing but you there will be a big strain on the relationship, but it's great you're both jumping in with both feet. I really do wish you both all the best, you're a beautiful couple!

@ Lunamea - Your post really helped lift my spirits last night when I read it, so thank you.

Living here, like this, forever... That is unacceptable to me. I think part of this is a way to let out my frusteration that Obi and I are yet unable to resolve it (or even have a constructive conversation.) All he can feel about it at the moment is guilt.
My sister wont go back to skype for some reason. When it comes to technology she gives up very easily. But, I did convince her to start letterbooking with me, and that gives me some hope. The letterbooks were a cornerstone for Obi and I for a long time, perhaps it will be enough for my sister and I too. Letters would be easier too, the time difference is stupidly hard to work around when one person isn't willing to give up their sleep. :P I fully realise now what I put Obi through haha.

Thanks for your support, it means a lot to me.

[Tanja]

Living here, like this, forever... That is unacceptable to me.

Maybe you don't have to be there forever, have you talked about going to Australia in some time? I know it's a LOOOOOONG way from Canada, I do, but that could be an option. I also know you said Obi's made it clear that he will not leave his life behind for you but that can change in the future, once you've settled down properly (weren't you gonna go to a University in there?) and maybe when you're married (with kids perhaps) he feels differently about things and would give it a try.

It's hard to say really cause I don't know him but it's just a thought. And even if that wouldn't happen you don't necessarily have to think that you'll stay there forever. You could go back home in a few years to spend some time there (if you both wouldn't feel awful about going back to LD again).

I wish I could offer you better advice or say things that makes you feel better about where you're at in your life, I really like your posts and I bet you're a great person to be friends with and it feels kinda frustrating to know that you're not as happy as you could be after what you've gone through in your life cause you would so deserve it.

One more thing: If you feel like you don't wanna let Obi go, then don't. I'm sure you can work out everything in a way that you'll both be happy and also get to see your families, it might just take some more time and effort than you first thought.

[Zephii]

We're talking about what happens after Uni. The "happily ever after" part, when we start gaining assets and children.

We're very firm on the fact that we are not going back to long distance. We're in this together now - that's it. We've ruled it out as "no longer an option." We've done it, we got the T-shirt, we're never going back haha. I guess we feel we've done our time :P Besides - I'd be pretty cheated by that really. What? It's ok for me to be miserable in his country for years at a time but he can't do that for me? Pssh no. I'm buring my bra over this one lol.

We're not letting each other go either. That's also in the "not an option" basket. It's just frusterating while we find out what is an option and the consequences of each.

But! We did talk. We don't have an answer yet. He feels so bad that I'm unhappy here. He told me he sees something every day that reminds him, and that made me sad. I will try harder. But I gave all my reasons, and he couldn't fault my logic, so the main things against us is money. And, as I pointed out to him, me flying home all the time to visit would put just as big a hole in our budget in the long run.
His friends put a lot of pressure on him too, not wanting him to go for any length of time... *sighs*

Now we've atleast broached the subject I feel a bit better. It's a comfort to know that he'll work on his unrealistic expectations in his own time. At the end of the day we're still going to spend far more time here than in my country. I'm not asking 50/50, I don't even want that much. But I'm determined that the opportunities both countries offer us and our children will be embraced and that somehow we will make the most of it, and possibly even come out on top financially too.

[Zephii]

We're talking about what happens after Uni. The "happily ever after" part, when we start gaining assets and children.

We're very firm on the fact that we are not going back to long distance. We're in this together now - that's it. We've ruled it out as "no longer an option." We've done it, we got the T-shirt, we're never going back haha. I guess we feel we've done our time :P Besides - I'd be pretty cheated by that really. What? It's ok for me to be miserable in his country for years at a time but he can't do that for me? Pssh no. I'm buring my bra over this one lol.

We're not letting each other go either. That's also in the "not an option" basket. It's just frusterating while we find out what is an option and the consequences of each.

But! We did talk. We don't have an answer yet. He feels so bad that I'm unhappy here. He told me he sees something every day that reminds him, and that made me sad. I will try harder. But I gave all my reasons, and he couldn't fault my logic, so the main things against us is money. And, as I pointed out to him, me flying home all the time to visit would put just as big a hole in our budget in the long run.
His friends put a lot of pressure on him too, not wanting him to go for any length of time... *sighs*

Now we've atleast broached the subject I feel a bit better. It's a comfort to know that he'll work on his unrealistic expectations in his own time. At the end of the day we're still going to spend far more time here than in my country. I'm not asking 50/50, I don't even want that much. But I'm determined that the opportunities both countries offer us and our children will be embraced and that somehow we will make the most of it, and possibly even come out on top financially too.

[Tanja]

I'm glad you're feeling better about things - when there's a will there's a way right?

[Zephii]

Something like that. My grandfather used to say "And I have the will for you to do it my way" or something to that extent lol

[lunamea]

I'm glad, too - it's great you're talking about it and ruling out options that are unacceptable. I think that way, you'll eventually find a solution (just like they do on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" LOL).

His friends put a lot of pressure on him too, not wanting him to go for any length of time... *sighs*

That is pretty hard to deal with. Friends can be so egotistical and uncaring when I think they should in fact support their friend in what's best for him/her. I guess you can't really expect them to be impartial, but they should at least respect your relationship and see that you make him happy and leave the decision up to the two of you instead of putting themselves first.

[JoMarie]

I know I'm slightly late but, what if you can do it? What if in the long run Obi decides that the only fair way to do this is to give your Country another chance. A real chance. What if he loves it? What I'm trying to say is in the world of what if's anything is possible. I think we all know how much you love Obi and maybe this is a test of your endurance. This is probably a horrible post but you aren't someone I'm used to giving advice to, because YOU are the advice giver! We all know how strong you are, and I personally hope you can find happiness at least once a day, so that your quest to be with your love is slightly easier. I'm sorry thats all I have!

[Zephii]

Aww, thanks Jo ^^;
I better get out there and do my job and give advice then *giggles*

And make a post to update everyone on this... ^^