Failed LDR...? :(

[ursula6989]

Hey Guys!
I was wondering if anybody could offer any advice or input on my situation. But before I get started, Im new to this whole posting thing- can anybody tell me what an ´SO´ is? Is it significant other? I hope so lol..

Ok so heres the situation I have:

I met my boyfriend back in 2010, when I came over to Mexico for 6 months for work (Im originally from New Zealand). Everything was perfect, I truly thought I had met the one for me, we never fought, had sex ALL the time, and were even living together after 3 months.
At the end of my trip, we didnt want to break up, so we agreed that he would save up the money to come to New Zealand, and estimated that he would arrive by January (I left in September).
However, because he both lived and worked in a hotel, he had limited access to his cellphone, and texting and calling was almost impossible due to the sky high call costs; we emailed etc, but still did not have much contact.
January rolled around, and he advised he still did not have enough money, and that by May he would have saved enough to come.

However in April something awful happened, him mum died.. and he ended up using all the savings to travel across the country and pay for his mums funeral. I thought about jumping on the next plane to go and support him, but my parents convinced me that he would want to be left alone to deal with it by himself. By June, I decided it was time to go visit, and went to see him for 2 weeks. I knew something was off, but I told myself it was because of his mum. We talked about our relationship as the contact had been getting less and less frequent, and he agreed he would come to visit in November, and that he did really want to be with me and would make much more of an effort with the contact.

We stayed in regualar contact this time, skyping every day off we had, and in October I got sick of waiting, was offered another job opportunity and Mexico, and decided it was time to come back and end the distance and be with him.
However when I got there, it was not the same, and as I had been having nightmares, I thought he had been cheating on me. He assured me nothing had happened and he had been totally loyal, however I still had a bad feeling about it.

Fast forward to May again, and I get a message from a stranger on facebook, who advised my boyfriend had cheated on me, and with who. I emailed the girl directly and she admitted it, saying they had had an affair for 5 months! I asked my boyfriend again who denied, then finally admitted later that he had cheated but it was only a one night thing. after desperately wanting to know the truth I did a ´set-up´ telling him my mum wanted to talk to him in skype.. but actually it would be the girl. After getting put on the spot with both of us in front of him, he finally came clean saying that it had actually been a 2 month affair, and she was just exaggerating to try and hurt me. It started right after his mum died from April through May, and then the girl moved away in May to a different state, and claimed one of the reasons she left was because she realised that he was not going to dump me for her.
Right after I found out, we stopped talking- he didnt even call me or anything. Eventually I called him and he said he was sorry- but he didnt do any crazy grand gesture.. he just said sorry, and asked to take me out for dinner.

He said the reason it happened, was because he was feeling really lonely, low after his mum died, she was the only person in his circle that showed him any support, he was horny after not having sex with me for 6 months, she kept telling him how much she missed him and wanted to ´be´ with him, he didnt know when I was coming back ..and he tried to resist but in the end thought that I would never find out so just went for it.
After the truth came out we didnt talk for a while, but kept in contact and kept seeing each other, but it was horrible, alot of tears and fighting and I even slapped him once. He could definately see the pain he had caused.

But I want to know.. is it worth trying to revive this relationship?? We finally closed the distance and are both here now in Mexico with good jobs.. as it stands now he does treat me well, texts me everyday, makes plans with me, regualrly takes me out for dinner, always tells me how beautiful I am, gives me massages, even my birthday is coming up and he is trying to plan an elaborate vacation for us.. and he swears after seeing the pain he caused he never wants to go through that again..

But I still cant seem to forget about it, it just makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it, the cheating hurts, the lies hurt, I know in the back of my heart that he will probably never save enough to come to New Zealand (because $2500 is like 30,000 pesos for him!) meaning if we wanted to be together I would basically have to stay in Mexico the rest of my life.

Also, how can I be sure that he wont do it again?? I am planning to go to Los Angeles for 2 months in November and am worried something will happen, I know it will be 2 months apart not 6 but it still makes me worried that if he thought I would ´never find out´ he would do something..

Also, I am a white girl with blond hair,.. he was always so proud of having a ´foreign´ girlfriend, but the girl he cheated on me with was a dark skinned black haired mexican girl.. does this mean anything?? He also has never known his father, and used to tell me that he could never go with a Mexican girl because she might ´be his sister´ haha.

It has also affected our sex life, we used to have sex all the time but now that I know about them, when we have sex I find myself wondering if he touched her like that, said the same things to her.. what kind of stuff they did.. whether he had any feelings for her.. and for example if he occasionally does not want sex or is not ´in the mood´ I will often take it personally thinking I am not attractive enough.. and I also forgot to mention that these guys were dating right before he met me.. they had only just started dating (only had sex a couple times) and then I showed up on the scene and basically stole him from her. Him and the girl both worked AND lived in the same hotel, before and after I was there. (I also lived in that same hotel for 6 months while I was there too).

Also now, he is still living/working in the hotel. He works as an animator, and I dont know if any of you have been to all-inclusives in Mexico, but hes basically surrounded by ladies in bikinis, as well as cute workers. I have told him that if he wants a future with me, he has to consider job options with not so many ´opportunities´ and he has said that he needs to save some more money first, but promises to leave soon. While I was working there in the hotel he was always very professional and never came onto any guests, but I guess after knowing about his cheating his line of work does suddenly make me a little paranoid.

Also, how do I know he didnt do anything the 2nd time I was in NZ?? (June thorugh October) He said he absolutely didnt as he felt too guilty about the girl.

I also feel like it was kind of my fault, after all I was the one that left HIM and went back to NZ, and I didnt HAVE to go, I only left because my contract was coming to and end but I could have easily stayed and found another job- I was doing a correspondance course in NZ which could have easily been done from Mexico.. and I wasnt even there for him when his mum died.

Sorry to write such a novel, im sure this is like the longest post in the history of posts but I really need some guidance on this, I would love to know advice, opinions, feedback, or if anybody has had a similar experience, and what would be the wise thing to do. How do I get her out of my head and move on? Needless to say my heart is crushed. I thought I had found the love of my life, I was a huge supporter of long distance relationships, and now my faith is gone, and yes, for the entire 8 months we were apart before june, I never even kissed another man.

Thanks so much guys, I hope there is at least somebody out there who has something to say about this xx

[Kristin91]

I think you need to come to terms with what happened. Then from there you can either forgive him and move on, or break up... it's really your choice. You're the one that knows how you feel right now, and you're the only one that can honestly say whether you think you can trust him again. It must be terribly hard knowing he cheated on you, thinking you'd never find out. No one will blame you if you decide you can't handle more lies and cheating again. You just have to decide what you want to do, no one here can make the decision for you. We are here if you need support however, and welcome to LFAD!

P.S. SO does stand for significant other

[Amelia]

Wow long story, I agree you do need to make a decision about whether you can forgive and forget or if you can't then you need to move on. It's hard to forgive someone for something they did especially when it hurt you so bad that you start to doubt everything and constantly worry about will he do it again. You need to really think about your relationship and whether you can trust him and whether it is possible to have this relationship. Yes you may love him but can you 100% say you trust him?

[tanaquil]

I normally get lazy and don't read long threads, but this one really stood out to me. I'm so sorry that's happened to you -- I can't imagine going through all that emotion and pain, especially after coming to your boyfriend's home country. And, from what I've gathered and in my own opinion, I don't think you can ever forget someone cheating on you, especially if you two seemed so committed to each other. It's always going to be at the back of your mind -- you can forgive, sure, but it's bad to forget. What bothers me about this is that he doesn't seem very remorseful of the fact that he cheated and lied to you for so long (in the post, at least). I don't know if I would take that as a good sign.

In the end, I think it's all up to you. I wish you the best of luck and hope you update us!!

[Kiyama]

Wow. I made it through your post
I think it is tough. His mum died and considering that fact I would probably give him the benefit of really not being himself at that time. Some people might say it isn't an excuse and they aren't completely wrong but yet... I feel for both of you.
The question is, how will you move on from this point. What has happend to his plans about moving to you? Is that still what he wants? Is it financially not possible or is he someone who can't save?
The trust issue is also important. Ultimately, only you can decide whether he is player or was he kind of out of his mind because his mum died. If he is a player, a different job won't change that and there will always be opportunities. If his is normally a faithful guy, his line of work should not matter.
Eventually, you will have to make a decision and I would base it on your instincts. If your guts tell you he will never be able to move and you'd have to stay in Mexico forever, there might be something to it and the fact that you don't like that tells a lot already. Do you talk with him about that?
So for me it seems that there are two main questions: can you rebuild the trust in your relationship and are you both looking in the same direction with regard to where and how you want live your lives?
Good luck! I hope you find your answer.

[ursula6989]

Hey guys!
Firstly I just want to say sorry for the length of the post- after re-reading it I wish I could edit it because I guess there were a few things which did not really need to be said.

I wish it were just as simple as ´forgive and forget or move on´. Although he did have a lack of remorse and he did it thinking that I would ´never find out´ which makes me wonder if givin the same opportunity where I would ´never find out´ would he take the opportunity again, I can also understand why he did it; he was not in the right headspace after his mum died.. and I wasn´t there for him.. , not to mention that he hadn´t gotten laid in more than 6 months!

But then it just twists the knife that it was not just a one time mistake- he went back for more and it was with his ex which really hurts. Like he knowingly went back for more.

The funny thing is, when Im with him I am able to put it aside and forget about it.. but whenever I am alone for a while and get time to myself thats when I start to remeber everything again.

I want to ask though, not to sound racist or anything but given the fact that I am a white skinned blonde haired girl, does it mean anything that he cheated on me with a brown skinned black haired girl? I thought he was into white blonde girls?

I also want to say thank you to you guys for at least giving some advice, because being that I am in Mexico I dont really know anybody or have any friends here to talk this over with, and I know it sounds sad but he is about the only person I know here, and without him it is really quite a lonely place.

In answer to Kiyamas questions, yes; he is actually very good at saving money, but the problem is that in Mexican money he makes alot- but when it is converted back to dollars it is hardly anything. We worked out that per week, he can only save around $50. So trying to save up for a $3500 plane ticket would probably take at least a year and a half.. and I really want to get my career going so am not sure I would want to wait around here for a year and a half waiting for him.
The problem is that the career path I have chosen (to be a stylist) is quite specialised, and it is just not popular at all in Mexico. I thought about maybe moving to the States and then he would get the money WAY sooner, but then we have to figure out visas etc.

Kiyama I had a really good think about what you were saying in regards to him being a player and how that affects the jobs. I think that he is definately normally a faithful guy, and you´re right- his line of work should not matter. For example, this is the second time he has cheated on a girlfriend- but the whole time I´ve been with him (in the same country at least) he wont even so much as go to a party without me- and now he swears that he has ´learnt his lesson´. (The first time he claims was just a one night´university mistake´)
But at the same time I do think that if you both work and live in the same place as your colleagues it definately ´ups´ the temptation as you cannot ´leave work behind´ as such..

In regards to the lack of remorse; he did say sorry but basically right after I found out he stopped talking to me- after about a week I actually called HIM because I wanted answers to all my questions why etc.. I guess I just thought my phone wouldve been ringing off the hook you know. When I asked him about it later, he said he thought that I wouldnt want to talk to him, and he was gonna wait a couple weeks before contacting me again. Thats true, but it would have been nice to at least see him try. I was also waiting for some big romantic gesture, maybe a gift of some sort which never came, he eventually got me a card but only because I asked him too. He was never very good at expressing his feelings but I thought this time might have been different- eventually he came and visited me and took me out for dinner movies etc.

I am REALLY sorry about the long posts. I dont have anyone else to talk about it with so I guess I just blurted it out all in one go.. sorry.. As it stands at the moment I am just sort of not talking to him and trying to get some distance while I figure out what I want to do. Is this all my fault?

I am really trying to make a decision and move on but its difficult.

[Sharon Q]

I just want to point out the excuse of losing his mom is invalid. I lost my mom in July, I haven't seen my boyfriend in 7 and a half months. I never cheated on him with anyone, and as I feel I should point out, at any point during cheating the person can say " hey this is wrong I need to stop "

Its one thing to think about cheating, its another to go through with it, not only that but he lied to you about it, If this girl had never messaged you, would you have ever found out?

I just think these are some things you need to think about.

I also think talking to him more about how you felt about the situation would help. A relationship is nothing without honesty.
The fact that he waited for you to call to apologize shows that he was probably feeling really guilty.

Never the less if you decide to mend the relationship thats on you two. Talk to him, explain to him that from now on he needs to be honest.
If you want the relationship to be healthy he needs to start being honest with you.

I wish you luck

[Skye]

First of all I must say, it is NOT your fault!! If he can't control himself, that's his problem!! His mom passing away is not a valid excuse for cheating, as SharonQ said. It's really difficult to try and forget your SO (significant other) cheating on you, and if it's in the back of your mind, it makes it even more difficult to trust him. If you are not happy in Mexico and it seems as if him going to NZ it's not a real possibility, then you need to weigh that heavily in your decision. Coming to the States is super difficult unless you can get an employer or family member to sponsor your visas. I hope this was kind of helpful and I wish you the best. Keep us posted!

[lucybelle]

I didn't make it through the whole post nor all the responses, so apologies if I'm repeating.

I think his mom dying is actually a valid reason for him cheating. I'm not saying it excuses him from his actions, but grief affects us all in different ways. He probably needed some sort of physical relief and went for a girl who could give it to him.

If you decide to forgive him and move on, then that's what you need to start doing. This is not an overnight thing. It's a long process of regaining trust. If he's worth it to you, you'll find a way. If you can't get over the betrayal, it's best you break it off before more people are hurt.