jumping from LD to CD; how long you willing to wait?

[nomnom_elf]

Hi All,

I was wondering if any couples apart from service personnel who are in active duty, have ever considered how long you are willing to wait for your SO to settle down with you? waiting on them to give up on chasing that dream job that throws them to another part of the country or even another country for several months, comes back and lives with you for a bit, only to do it all again?

my current situation is that i already have a flat with my SO. We've being together for near 3 yrs now and i've already done a LDR with him for 7 mths then came back. I am due to relocate for another fixed term post which for me is a fantastic career move. however my SO still has his job and therefore its back to a LDR for 12 mths. I once brought the topic up and explained that for me to gain "chartered status" in my field of work, its going to take alil longer that 18mths. to which he replied with a look. a unhappy one.

what does everyone else think? true if you love them, stick by them. I believe in that too- but i also think realistically, and am aware at somepoint I might have to make a decision.

[Verojoon]

It's a tough one!

After 2 years in a LDR with my SO and not being able to discuss CTD (because it would stress him out since we have so many obstacles) I called it quits. I had to for my sanity. A long distance relationship is one thing, but you need to be able to talk about a future and agree on it. I was always clear that I would want to at some point close the distance... I don't think it was unreasonable for me to have enough at that point... (there were other factors too that made me chose that point to just call it quits) But at the end of the summer I went back to him and he is now talking about it, and realizes better (I hope) that I am not pressuring, and that though I want to talk about it and work towards it now, I realistically don't expect the distance to be closed for several more years...

So long answer short, it all depends on communications and setting proper expectations...

[Haley53]

I agree with the above.

The other thing is I would think about it in terms of compatibility between your life goals and your goals for the relationship. I would recommend that each of you write down your lists of goals (do this separately) for yourselves, individually, and your relationship. I would note which ones are hard limits, what you're not willing to sacrifice or make compromises on, which ones you'd be willing to compromise on, and which you'd be willing to sacrifice depending on the circumstances, and do this for both lists, your list as individual and for your relationship. Once done, I would compare the two and have a serious talk about it.

While I don't agree with having to sacrifice your life goals, I think it also depends on where you're at in life and how necessary those life goals are to achieve, and what they'd mean for the future. Say you took advantage of this opportunity to forward your career, what benefits would it have for your relationship? For your life together? And once you were home a year from being relocated, would that be the end of it, or would you be expected to move again? Being in a situation where you're constantly relocated can be difficult, because naturally, people are going to want to settle down. I would say if being in a career where you move around and around is that important, then having a relationship might be something to reconsider, primarily because it's going to be hard to find anyone who's okay with such a tumultuous situation for years upon years upon years, but if this is only something that he'd be dealing with for 2-3, then it might be something he's willing to work through with you.

I think you simply both need to sit down after writing a list of your personal and relational goals and see how they match up, and whether or not your goals for each other and your relationship will continue to be compatible.